All Flutter'd Out
by Weener1
Summary: Permission was given to me to write an epic parody of 'Flutter' and that is just what I am doing! Expect a humourous and grim retelling of the popular tale as the story slowly changes but still follows the same general plot. Toyomi stuff...and...others...
1. Entrance Exams and All That

**Alas, the time has come! I reveal myself as the author chosen by Funari herself to parody her popular fic 'Flutter'. Indeed, she has given me the power to do this and I am going to try my best to mix my form of ridiculous humour with the original story of 'Flutter', changing pieces here and there to give it my own special flair!**

**Here is the first chapter (It's a lot like the original), but the dialogue is a bit different and some events are changed slightly. Even so, it will get better and I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

The school's chime system went off, informing the students that yes indeed, it was time for lunch. Thusly, the students processed out of their classrooms in myriad small packages of two or three, sometimes more. They chatted idly as some went for food at the café whilst others unwrapped their bento and glowered grimly at the contents. Two girls sat with desks pushed together chewing on their curried rice.

"So, I heard your sister got in trouble last night.", said Nanoka to her friend, Rei.

Rei nodded. "Yeah, she yelled at mom. Said she was gonna kill her!"

Nanoka gasped. "Did she mean it!?"

Rei gave Nanoka a piercing look. "Sometimes…I think she does…."

That would make for an interesting story, eh? But, alas those aren't the girls we're focusing on! We, on the other hand, are entertaining the story of two girls in another classroom that go by the names Tomo Takino and Koyomi Mizuhara. They were not discussing a possible future murder, but instead having a talk about the upcoming high school entrance exams.

"So, Yomi", Tomo said, referring to the girl's nickname. "What school are you going to?"

"Oh, you know….", Yomi responded glumly, yet hiding a mischievous sneer. "The one that only accepts the best and brightest."

"WHAT!?", Tomo shouted, slamming her fists on the desk. "You're out of your mind!!"

"Maybe you're out of you're mind.", Yomi nodded, taking a bite of rice.

"Oh, no, no,no.", Tomo chided. "Not at all. In fact, I'm going to try for that same school!"

Yomi lifted her head to regard Tomo's insanity. "You, Tomo Takino, are going to try for that school? How insane are you?"

"Oh, Koyomi…", Tomo put on a false pained expression. "Are you saying that I cannot do it? That I am not smart enough? Oh, how dare you strike my heart in such a manner!?"

"Because you won't make it. I know that. Just look at your grades.", Yomi informed her.

"That's crap! We all know the teachers secretly grade based on how much they like each student!", Tomo proposed.

Yomi shook her head sadly. "Even if it was so, I bet you still wouldn't be able to make it."

"Hey! Great idea!", Tomo said, hopping on Yomi's desk and staring her in the eyes.

"Huh?", Yomi asked, a bit uncomfortable.

"A bet! We'll make a bet!", Tomo said, excited as ever.

Yomi looked at her friend with pitiful disdain. Poor girl…

"Is this another one of those bets where if you win I have to get you a ray gun or a mech or something?"

Tomo shook her head.

"Nah, it's..WAIT A SEC! You still owe me a jetpack after I ate more bread than you!"

Yomi sighed and rubbed her temples.

"Anyhow….as I was saying, If I don't get into that school, I'll do whatever you want! Anything!", Tomo said.

"Anything, eh? Even shut up for the rest of the year?", Yomi smirked.

"Even that! God, how it will pain me!", Tomo said.

"Can we just say that I win already?", Yomi chuckled.

"Oh, shhh! You party pooper!", Tomo said. "If I get accepted though, we eat lunch on the train tracks!'

Yomi sighed again. "That's a good place to get us picked up as vagrants…", she said, speaking of the abandoned train tracks that ran near the school.

"Ok, fine. How about…", Tomo grinned. "The Edge of the World?"

Yomi was taken aback. The Edge of the World was an old abandoned warehouse near the school that gained that nickname due to the bizarre and scary rumours that many students told of it. Some say it was possessed by ghosts. Others say it houses a gateway to Hell. Some just say it has lots of rats. Of course, these stories are considered just tall tales that all adolescents tell. Yet, the place was still scary…

"Tomo, what the heck?", Yomi asked.

"So, Koyomi," Tomo mocked. "Do you accept?"

"Fine, whatever.", Yomi agreed, not wanting Tomo to suggest anything more absurd.

Tomo's face looked as if she was floating in some utopian place as she spoke. "Oh, Yomi….I've always wanted to eat at The End of the World…something about it is just so….cool! We'll be able to see the whole city from the top floors and maybe we'll meet a ghost! Remember, I did offer before, but you rejected me…."

Yomi blushed in embarrassment. Now she looked like a wimp…

"anyhow, we're totally gonna eat there because I, Tomo Takino, will make it into that school, just you wait! All of a sudden, you'll be showing me with praise!", Tomo laughed raucously as Yomi just groaned.

* * *

The next week, all the final year junior high students were preparing like little armadillos for the high school entrance exams. As she waited for the exam to begin, Yomi sat in silent contemplation, wondering if Tomo, of all people, could actually make the grade. Strange thing was, since that bet they had made the previous week, Tomo had been cramming her brain full of information. Whenever Yomi saw her she was studying with a vicious intent; filling her brain with all that lost information. Yomi giggled, remembering a conversation they had recently.

"Tomo, today's the day.", Yomi pointed out.

"Quiet!", Tomo said, holding out her index finger and never removing her eyes from the book she was reading. "I'm trying to fill all the cracks in my brain here."

"Ok, but-"

"I said quiet!"

Yomi giggled as she walked away from the girl then, seeing it as a futile effort that Tomo was making. Yet, she couldn't help but feel proud of her academically challenged friend finally taking up arms; causing her to let loose a light blush.

"Maybe she just wants our friendship to last longer…", Yomi muttered, her mind returning to focusing on the test in front of her.

Two hours passed and the test ended. Cries of 'Thank friggin' God!" and "That was wicked….", echoed throughout the testing hall as the stress-released students exited. Yomi was pleased to find out that Tomo was back to being a hyper annoyance, due to her jumping on Yomi's back for a ride as they left the test hall.

"I think I did pretty darn good.", Tomo informed her friend as she jumped off her back. "Now, how about we scope out a nice place to eat at The End of the World?", she finished with a grin.

"Heck no!", Yomi said. "What if they look at our school records. Those will be the end for you.", she pointed out.

"You think they will!?", Tomo shouted then laughed the stress away. "No, no ,no! The high schools just look at the test grades!"

"Maybe they should also test your sanity….", Yomi mumbled which caused Tomo to playfully punch her arm.

Many days passed, some say it was a week, others say it was nearly a month. Let's just settle on two weeks then! Both Tomo and Yomi had received a letter from the school. Yomi was accepted which caused Tomo to laugh at her, simply for the sake of laughing. Tomo waited though, taking her letter to school the day after she had gotten it. To make matters worse for Yomi, she dragged out the moment of truth for what seemed like forever.

"Tomo! Open it! Do it; you won't do it! Do it!", Yomi was nearly jumping out of her skin in anticipation.

"Yomi….you're acting a lot like me…It's freakin' me out…", Tomo shivered a bit. It was a scary thought.'

"Just open it and I'll stop!", Yomi said.

"You wanna see what's inside?", Tomo chided, biting the envelope sensually and licking it, making it look like a terrible porno for mail carriers.

"Stop it and just open it, dammit!", Yomi exploded.

Tomo sighed. "Well, if you say so!", she grinned.

Tomo ripped open the letter, taking her sweet time pulling out the letter within. Yomi nearly gave herself a hernia holding her breath. With a small, proper cough Tomo opened the letter and read it aloud.

"Dear Miss Tomo Takino,"she read,"We are proud to announce that you have been accepted- WAHOO!! IN YOUR FACE!!", she screamed the ending, jumping up and down and spiraling about the room in glee. Yomi, on the other hand, sat with a glazed expression for a moment before rising.

"THE END IS COMING!", she screamed in her surprise-induced insanity, running and apparently not seeing that the door was closed….

* * *

"Yomi! Hey, Yomi ya awake?"

Yomi opened her eyes. Yet, all she could see was a blending of colours. One of the blobs moved and she screamed.

"Calm down, Yomi!", said the talking blob as it placed something on her face.

It was Tomo placing her glasses on her face, thusly she could now see that they were in the school nurse's office.

"What…happened?", Yomi asked, clearly confused.

"Oh, just wait until you hear this!", Tomo then told the tale of how she was accepted to the school and how Yomi's jaw had nearly struck the floor before she ran directly into the door, in an apparent effort to kill herself.

Yomi shook her head, knowing that at least some of it was exaggeration.

"But, you're ok, right?", Tomo asked quietly, strictly concerned for her friend at the moment.

"I'm fine.", Yomi said, sitting up and holding her head. "You really made it, huh?"

Tomo nodded quickly. "Yep! So tomorrow we dine at The Edge of The World!"

"You remember that!?", Yomi screamed in terror.

"Of course! Can't forget something like that!", Tomo said, laughing like a beech nut. Yes, a specific nut.

Yomi fell back onto the cot, covering her eyes with her arm. 'Damn that Tomo….', she thought.

* * *

That night, as Yomi was preparing for bed, there came a loud THUMP from her window. She jumped in shock and tiptoed toward the window to peer out. There, from the ground, rose up Tomo who was rubbing a rapidly forming bump on her head. Yomi slid the window open.

"Tomo….what the heck?"

"I thought it was open!", she said, stepping inside.

"Did I say you could come in?", Yomi said in a strangely motherly tone.

"You're the loser. I'm allowed into the loser's room.", Tomo grinned.

"That was never….", Yomi groaned, knowing the arguing would do no good.

Instead, she just climbed into bed, hoping Tomo would wander off into an incinerator somewhere. Yet, Tomo just sat on her bed kicking her feet in the air impatiently. It was only quiet for what seemed like a moment.

"You know, after we eat at The Edge of the World", Tomo said, idly fingering the hem of her pants, "there's this really neat place I want to show you."

"Oh, really?", Yomi mumbled, not noticing the slight shiver to Tomo's voice.

"Yeah, r-really….", Tomo said, moving towards the window, preparing to head home. A sigh escaped her lips.

Yomi shuffled in her bed, getting more comfortable. Tomo paused and then spoke.

"Say Yomi, have you ever looked at the stars on a clear night?"

"I've tried, but there's usually too many lights on around here. Why?", Yomi responded.

"Oh, no real reason. At least you'll get to see them better tomorrow. Unless we get eaten by a ghost or something.", Tomo said, proceeding to pull Yomi out of bed for a goodnight hug and then leaving through the window with a short hop.

The two of them prepared for bed that night, trying their best to take a gaze at the stars; yet, as was predicted, they simply could not see any due to the copious lights of the neighborhood. Regardless, they knew that the next day would be special. Yes, as special as a newborn tidal pool.

* * *

**More to come and I promise it will digress more from the original and get far stranger as it progresses!**


	2. That Special Place,Down There,Forever

**Chapter two! It gets a bit crazier! Oh, and read Funakounasoul's original 'Flutter' so you know what to expect if you haven't already!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

The school's chime system went off, informing the students that yes indeed, it was time for lunch. Thusly, the students processed out of their classrooms in myriad small packages of two or three, sometimes more. Hold on, didn't I just state that in the previous chapter? Gods dammit! Oh, well… Two girls in particular walked out of the school and proceeded towards their destination: The Edge of the World.

After what seemed an eternity of anticipation, the abandoned shell of a building loomed before them like some hulking she-beast. The windows were shattered, the paint along the exterior was rotting away and peeling. From the open doorway they smelled nothing but dust and an occasional hint of strawberries.

"Should we….go in?", Yomi's voice cracked.

"Heck yes we're going in!", Tomo pushed her friend forward through the doorway.

"Ahh….AHHH!!", Yomi screamed out as she was forced into the building.

"Geez, it's dark in here!", said a man in a red leotard and cape that seemed to appear from out of nowhere and now stood behind the girls. A giant letter 'O' was emblazoned on the chest of his uniform.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious.", Tomo stated.

With that, the man took to the air.

"I'm flying away!", he yelled back.

In moments he was nothing but a small speck on the horizon.

"Hm…I haven't seen him for a while.", Yomi said.

Tomo nodded. "I'm glad I brought this with me.", she said as she ignited what looked to be a medieval-style torch; a short pole with the tip wrapped in cloth and then dipped it pitch. It stunk like the dickens.

"Where on Earth did you get that!?", Yomi shouted.

Tomo just shrugged. "The 100 yen store."

"You're going to burn this whole place down with that!", Yomi yelled, backing away from the possible death of her.

"Oh, come on!", Tomo pleaded, using her free hand to drag Yomi deeper into the bowels of the building. Soon they came upon a rickety staircase that seemed as if any weight put upon it would send the stairs tumbling down in a pile of rotted wood and rusted nails.

"Don't tell me you want to go upstairs!?", Yomi shouted , her voice echoing through the cavernous main room.

"I've walked up worse stairs than this!", Tomo said. "Remember when we tried to get into NASA?"

Yomi shook her head in exasperation. "Don't remind me…"

"Let's goooo!!", Tomo shouted as she held her torch high and dragged Yomi up the stairs behind her.

Creak…creak…creak….SNAP…SNAP..SNAP!

The final three stairs dissolved under their weight as they reached the top landing.

"Ahahah!", Tomo laughed. "I guess we'll have to skip those on the way down!"

"Tomo…you're absolutely insane!", Yomi said through grit teeth.

"Doesn't it just make me the most awesome friend ever?", Tomo grinned. "C'mon now."

She led the way to the large room on the second floor where the entire facing wall was knocked to pieces. Rubble scattered the ground, but the open wall provided a lovely view of downtown Tokyo.

"Isn't it pretty!?", Tomo said, whipping out her bento and sitting on a fallen piece of concrete.

"You aren't….afraid?", Yomi said, her bento quivering in her hands.

"Heck no!", Tomo said, laughing so much that her sides began to hurt. "And then we can tell everyone we actually went inside The Edge of the World and weren't eaten by demons!"

Yomi smiled; Tomo's cheerfulness was infectious. She sat down beside her and began to eat as well.

"So…", Tomo chided through a mouthful of rice. "Are ya jealous of my massive brain yet or what?"

"Of course not!", Yomi responded. "All you do is copy from me and somehow pass….You're a burden sometimes, you know that?"

Tomo sat quietly then, her chopsticks placed neatly inside the bento. A tear fell from her eye and hit the concrete below, staining it dark.

"D-do you really think…I'm a burden?", she asked, sniffling.

"No, no, no!", Yomi apologized, waving her hands and then patting the other girl on the shoulder. "I just get annoyed sometimes and say things I don't quite mean. Believe me, you're not as much of a burden as him.", she finished with a thumb-point towards a man in a blue leotard standing behind them.

"Aww….No!", said Captain Falcon with a huff. "C'MON! BLUE FALCON!!", he yelled as his prized race car somehow drove up outside the building by itself. He jumped from the top floor, landed inside the cockpit and rocketed down the street to the screams of terrified onlookers.

"Why does he follow you around sometimes? He's like a lost puppy.", Tomo said.

"Beats me.", Yomi answered.

"So….you really don't think I'm a burden?", Tomo asked, returning to eating her bento.

Yomi nodded. "No, you're a little annoying at times, but-"

She was interrupted by the immensely loud outdoor bells from their school; signaling the end of lunch period.

"Darn! Oh well, it was fun, wasn't it Yomi?", Tomo asked cheerfully.

"I guess…", Yomi answered.

"I had fun too…", came a voice.

They turned back to see a man with a full, graying beard in ragged clothing carrying a bald rat which he was petting.

"GAH!", the girls screamed, backing away from the man.

"….Wanna see a dead body?", he asked, leaning forward.

"NO!!", the girls yelled as they rocketed from the building.

The man just stood there sadly, petting his bald rat.

"It's okay Flufflenuffigins….we'll find a friend….someday…"

* * *

Only a few hours later, the final bell of the day rang and the students poured from the school like fresh blood from a stab wound. The students went their separate ways to sports practice, clubs, home, illegal activites, etcetera. Tomo and Yomi were headed towards that 'special place' that Tomo had mentioned the previous night.

"C'mon! We're not gonna make it before sundown if you keep dragging your feet like that!", Tomo prodded Yomi who moved just a tad quicker.

Eventually, they reached the nearby park where Tomo lead Yomi off the beaten path, over a series of mountains, through the halls of the Dwarf King and under Loch Ness until they reached their final destination; it was a field filled with cherry trees in full bloom, and in the center of the field; a rainbow.

"Wow…it's beautiful…", Yomi commented with a blush quickly spreading across her face.

"That's not all!", Tomo said. "C'mere.", she pulled Yomi towards the rainbow, but stopped short and ducked them behind a tree.

Peering out, they watched tiny creatures in green drop food into a cauldron at the end of the rainbow. The three creatures stood by the pot, chatting for a bit and smoking cigarettes before wandering off into the forest.

"Were those…", Yomi began.

"Yeah, leprechauns.", Tomo assuaged.

"This place is crazy…", Yomi scratched her head.

"Look though,", Tomo said, approaching the cauldron and taking out a few tasty-looking candies.

"What the heck are you doing, Tomo!?", Yomi warned.

"It's ok, that's what they're here for! The leprechauns put food in here for needy people!", she answered, licking at her lollypop.

"We're not needy!", Yomi hissed.

"Oh, pipe down!", Tomo laughed, handing Yomi a jawbreaker.

Yomi reluctantly popped it in her mouth. It tasted like fresh strawberries in early March.

"How did you find this place?", Yomi asked.

"Just wandering one day and BAM!", Tomo answered, lying back in the perfectly green grass.

"Doesn't anyone else know about this place?", Yomi asked.

Tomo shook her head, her eyes closed. "Not that I know of. I surveyed the area before and it's way off the path; my private land of perfection!"

"I see…", Yomi said, nodding.

"So, Yomi", Tomo began, "am I really that annoying?"

Yomi looked up at Tomo and decided that truth was better than lies. And lies were better than strangulation.

"Put simply; yes. Sometimes you are, but you know….", Yomi looked to see if Tomo was going to weep again, but the girl instead was sitting quietly; listening.

"Go on.", Tomo encouraged her.

"Well, umm….you know, I could have been really popular but instead…well, instead I chose to be your friend. You notice I don't have any other close friends…Tomo..", Yomi voice became choked with tears. "You're my best friend…"

Tomo regarded the other girl with sympathetic eyes. "Yomi…"

Yomi smiled at Tomo, her eyes hooding themselves in compassion.

"Yomi….", Tomo repeated.

"Y-yes, Tomo?", Yomi questioned, noticing the quiet tone of the girl's voice. What did she want to say?

"Yomi, you have a fairy in your hair."

"WHAT THE FUCK!!", Yomi exploded, shaking her head to loose the strange winged creature that chattered in laughter and flew away into the distance.

Tomo giggled and leant on Yomi's shoulder for support.

"This place is strange….", Yomi sighed. "But it's pretty…."

"Glad you like it!", Tomo giggled. "I found it forty-three years ago."

"Tomo…", Yomi said. "You're only fourteen."

"Oh, I found it in a past life.", Tomo explained.

"O….kay…", Yomi answered, knowing Tomo's ability to embellish the truth.

"I come to just relax, think deeply and eat candy.", she said, sitting up straight. "Haha. See? I can be calm and stuff! You're the first one to know that and, to tell the truth, it's a bit embarrassing…", Tomo blushed.

Yomi immediately pulled the girl into a tight hug.

"Thank you Tomo…this place really grew on me.", Yomi said.

Tomo, surprised about the hug, just smiled. "I'm glad it did…."

Yomi pulled back and the two girls smiled and looked into the eyes of the other.

"You know, Tomo…maybe you'll mature and act like this all the time once we reach high school.", Yomi proposed.

"Wanna bet?", Tomo grinned.

"Actually, yes I do."

"Name your price!"

And thus the bet was formed. Yomi proposed that Tomo would mature by the end of their high school career. The stakes were set that whomever won would be able to ask the loser to do anything they asked for one day as long as it took place on a weekend or before college classes began.

"Dammit, Tomo….why can't you act like this all the time?", Yomi said, running her thumb sensually over Tomo's cheek.

"Only for you, Yomi.", Tomo responded, brushing a bit of hair off of Yomi's face.

The stage was set. The moment was perfect as twilight fell. The darkness hid their respective blushes as the gap between them closed until…

"DAMMIT! NOT SNAKES! I HATE SNAKES!!"

Thusly, Indiana Jones ran out of the forest, looking this way and that as he sprinted off into the distance, apparently away from snakes in the woods.

"Umm…maybe we should go.", Yomi said.

"Good idea. The hobgoblins usually come out after dark anyway.", answered Tomo as they got up to leave.

They took the shortcut back over the Swiss Alps and through the ninth circle of Hell until they came upon the main road that led to each of their respective houses.

"Good luck on your first day, Tomo. These next few days will probably be the last we'll see each other all day, every day."

"Maybe….but who knows? We could even be put in the same class!"

"Hehe.", Yomi chuckled. "If so, may the gods shatter my glasses."

"Haha. Very funny.", Tomo chided as they separated, not saying goodnight, not even a friendly handshake. They simply went to their homes and prepared for a New Dawn.

* * *


	3. The Other Side of the Pillow

**Hey...what more can I say?**

* * *

"Oh, Lazy Yomi! Wake up! You're gonna miss all this!", Tomo screamed. She had been anxiously standing outside Yomi's house for the last twelve hours. Indeed, she had just gone home long enough to change into her school uniform and pack a lunch before heading out to stand on the sidewalk outside Yomi's house. She considered bringing her stereo with her to hold above her head but some tiny voice in the back of her head convinced her otherwise. Strange things occur at night when the Cosmos believes no one is looking. Here shall be listed some of the sights Tomo had seen whilst waiting:

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, Jimmy Hoffa in a jogging suit, a cosplayer weilding two pieces of toast yelling out "These pieces shall protect me!!", Sasquatch on a moped, Liberace cruising by in a sequin-encrusted car blaring the most blasphemous of black metal, King Arthur returning from Avalon, The Black Plague, and an accurate recreation of Columbus landing in the Caribbean.

Thusly, the last of the elephant train moved out of sight as dawn broke. Tomo sighed in despondence, Yomi missed all the fun…When Yomi eventually DID emerge from her room that Tomo referred to as the 'Bespectacled Cavern', she was none too pleased.

"Tomo…were you the one making all that noise last night?", Yomi groaned.

"Uh-uh!", Tomo shook her head. "That was probably the exodus of alligators down the road around midnight."

"….What?", Yomi responded, shaking her head. "How long have you been out here Tomo?"

"Awhile?", answered Tomo in the form of a question.

"That is correct.", said Alex Trebek as he sauntered by.

"What makes YOU excited for school?", Yomi asked.

"Not school, doo-doo head! I'm excited to be the well-known pretty and crazy high school girl!", Tomo cheered.

"The 'Wildcat high school girl', eh?", Yomi said.

"Why, oh, why do you read my mind Yomi!?", Tomo wept copiously into her hands. "That was supposed to be my line!"

"Sorry…", was all Yomi could say.

"Oh well! Let's go!", Tomo shouted, dragging the less-than-content Yomi behind her.

"Tomo…do you even know where the school is?", Yomi asked, noticing the odd amount of rickshaws passing by as well as the unnatural amount of dark-skinned individuals on the street. The place smelled of flowers and curry.

"I don't think we're in Tokyo anymore. In fact, I don't think we're even in JAPAN!", Yomi protested.

People on the street turned and gave her strange looks that caused her to blush profusely.

"You're right!", Tomo said, turning and dragging Yomi back in the opposite direction.

They passed by Yomi's house on the way back and, continuing past there, they soon found themselves in front of the school edifice. Tomo shivered. What the heck would she do without Yomi? Join a club? Only if there's an ADHD Club. Join a sports team? Only if there's a Ice-cream Scarfing team. Gods forbid, do her homework?

That was _NOT_ something Tomo wanted to think about. In fact, it made her feel rather sick.

'_Responsibility….ick…_', she thought.

"Hey, Tomo.", Yomi called to the girl, waving her hand in front of the glazed eyes of her friend.

"Huh?", Tomo responded.

"We're not even inside the building and you're already not paying attention? Seriously Tomo, get it together!"

Tomo grasped her head in her hands and fell forward in pain. She writhed about the ground as if her brain were betraying her.

"GAH!! TH-THE FORESHADOWING!! IT'S JUST TOO MUCH!! AHHH!!"

With that Tomo's head exploded in a rain of brain pieces, skull bits, confetti and candy.

The story could end here, but this is only the third chapter so give me a goddamn break!

So, with the power that great authors possess, Jay raised Tomo from the dead with a flick of his pen. It's simple when one is super-awesome like me!

"Oh, would you look at that.", Yomi commented as her and Tomo continued walking into the school as if nothing had stymied their progress.

"Hey, look! It's the class sheets!", Tomo pulled Yomi towards the posted sheet, standing on her tiptoes to peer over the assembled crowd.

Yomi prayed to God, Buddha and every incarnation of Vishnu that she would not be in the same class as Tomo.

"WOOHOO!! We're together again! We really must be inseparable!", Tomo yelled, clinging to Yomi's back happily.

"You have got to be kidding me..", Yomi mumbled.

"We're like bread and napkins."

"There is no God…."

"We're like copy machines and butts."

"Why me…"

"We're like Michael Jackson and five-year-olds."

At that moment Yomi's glasses cracked directly down the middle, between the lenses, and fell from her face.

"DAMMIT!"

* * *

Tomo and Yomi marched their collective ass up to Class three and sat themselves one behind the other, or more specifically, Tomo behind Yomi.

"Man, another year together! What CAN'T we do!?", Tomo expounded.

"I need new glasses…", Yomi grumbled as she gazed sadly at her hastily taped-up glasses.

"You look like a real nerd now!"

All morning. All damn morning Yomi had taken Tomo's idiocy. She stood and turned on her raven-tressed friend. The anger burned from deep within the tiny corners of her soul.

"YOMI PUUUUNNCCHH!!"

Tomo was sent clear across the room, her trajectory causing the desks in her way to sail through the air; the people within them included.

Tomo's body lay smouldering against the back wall. The students looked on in awe.

"Yomi….w-where did you learn that?", Tomo groaned.

"From…a friend.", Yomi grinned, sitting back in her seat.

No one saw Tomo crack her own grin.

In moments she was back on her feet.

"TOMO KIICCKKK!!"

Yomi was expecting such an attack and dodged out of the way just in time for Tomo to crash her inexorably flaming foot into the teacher's desk, sending the girl flailing.

At that moment the door slid open and Yukari stepped inside, observing the scene.

She was unsure if someone had laced her coffee.

* * *

"…and that's why Josef Stalin was actually a woman.", Yukari finished her obtuse lecture as the bell rang to signal the end of the day.

Tomo bolted out the door. Well, she bolted as best she could with the atrocious limp she had acquired. Limp, limp, limp all the way to her 'Special Place'. Upon reaching her required destination she fell down crying beneath a candy corn tree. She cried out all her internal turmoil. She always had to be the strong one….Strong willed that is, Yomi had the better fist…

"Maybe I should calm the heck down sometimes…", She looked up at the sky and watched two dinosaurs in F-16's streak across the sky. They somehow reminded her of the bet she had made with Yomi. She would not lose that bet, darn it!

"That's no way to talk, Tomo! You'll win this bet and Yomi will be your willing pawn!" she laughed, but then the previous thoughts re-entered her brain. "Ok, maybe you can calm down just a bit….but as long as you stay annoying!"

"If that is your goal, you will not succeed."

Tomo sprang to her feet and came eye-to-eye with Yomi who grinned in return.

"How did you make it here!?"

"You led me here, remember? I don't have THAT bad of a memory.", Yomi said, sitting beside Tomo on the perfectly pruned grass. In fact, no one knows why that grass was so perfect. I say it is unicorns.

"But how did you make it past the troll? You don't know the password!"

"I took the long route past the oasis.", Yomi answered.

"Oh….how much did you hear..?", Tomo asked, switching the topic.

"Just your third year goal."

"That's good…", Tomo mumbled.

"Huh?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Huh?"

"I said nothing…."

"Huh?"

"Yomi.."

"Huh?"

"You have a fairy in your ear."

"WHAT THE FUCK!?"

Yomi dug her finger into her ear canal and extracted a chittering little beast that flew away on gossamer soft wings.

Tomo let out a small giggle and smiled. Yet, Yomi noticed something else.

"What's wrong, Tomo?", she asked, noticing the tears streaming down the girl's face.

"Yomi! I was scared today! Horrified!", Tomo admitted.

"Scared of what?"

"School, darn it! I was afraid we wouldn't be together!"

"So, you admit that YOU'RE the one that can't live without ME.", Yomi said.

"That's right! Dammit, Yomi!", Tomo said, pulling the girl into a hug. "Kiss me!"

And thus they shared a morbidly passionate kiss which soon evolved into a copious love-making session.

Well….that COULD have happened, but it didn't. Alas, it was fun, wasn't it? But let us press the rewind button here and try again.

"School, darn it! I was afraid we wouldn't be together!"

Yomi thought for a moment and then responded.

"You're…right….it would be strange."

"Woohoo!! Now I feel SOOOO much better! Like after going to the bathroom or something!"

"Err…does this mean you're going back to hyper old you again?"

"Is that what you want?", Tomo said, hooding her eyes and smirking.

"Actually…yeah. But! You'll still have changed by third year and I'll win that bet!", Yomi proposed.

"Hah! I knew it turned you on!", Tomo shouted, hopping up from a seated position.

"What!?"

"I knew it! I knew it!", Tomo teased as she hopped around Yomi.

"Stop it!"

"Ahahah!!", Tomo laughed.

Yomi sighed. "You're such a bother.

"A sexy bother!"

Thusly, Yomi applied the piledriver and all was at peace.

* * *


	4. The First Cultural Festival SNAFU

* * *

The wind blew coldly outside, really cold, nipple-erecting cold! Caught up in said wind were golden boughs from the Tree of Knowledge in Eden; yet not one person recognized them as such. Oh well, you win some you lose some. Regardless, within the school building that day talks were being held concerning the cultural festival which was approaching quicker than an Kenyan runner.

"Please….someone HAS to have a better idea than a brewery or an Intifada….", the tiny class president, Chiyo Mihama stated with a sigh. Her vice president, good ol' reliable Tomo Takino, was no help in the matter.

There was naught but silence at that moment save for a slight mumble of, "Men's asses." from the far back of the classroom. Finally, two hands were raised and Chiyo called on them for suggestions.

"How about be forge religious relics and sell them to pilgrims.", the first boy suggested.

"…What?", was all Chiyo could respond with.

She, in turn, called upon the second boy.

"Maybe we could do a kissing booth with Takino-san?", he suggested with a blush on his face.

Tomo just laughed triumphantly. Yomi, on the other hand sent the boy flying across the room with a miraculous kick to the midsection.

"Err….maybe this may work.", Chiyo said, quickly assembling a suggestion box and hanging it at the front of the room.

The class broke up then, with some member lingering behind and mulling about.

"Nice suggestion box.", Yomi said to Chiyo.

"I hope it spawns better ideas….", she bemoaned.

They watched in tandem as the new girl in class, Ayumu Kasuga, commonly known as Osaka, approached the box and inserted a folded sheet of paper.

"Oh Osaka-san, you suggested something!", Chiyo said, pleased.

"Uh-huh.", the girl nodded. "I like the idea of that kissin' booth with Tomo."

"Oh god…", Yomi groaned as the nearby Tomo blushed profusely.

"I think it should be five yen for a smooch and one hundred for some tongue action.", Osaka mused idly.

"Osaka….shut up..please.", Yomi suggested.

Tomo just stood there in abject near-terror. Her heart pounded from the overbearing nature of what may be going on inside the head of so-called Osaka.

'_Does she…like me?'_, Tomo mused in her own brain.

"Osaka, are you crazy? No one would pay one hundred yen to make out with Tomo.", Yomi said.

"Who knows?", Osaka shrugged her shoulders and wandered off.

A meeting of the class that was held subsequently proved to be a flop. Chiyo panicked during the meeting, citing that the idea had to be presented within the next hour.

"How about a stuffed animal exhibit?", one girl suggested.

"Seems too…", Tomo pondered the thought for a moment. "…gay."

The girl sighed.

"Do YOU have a better idea?"

"Of course!", Tomo said. "We can have a stuffed animal exhibit….a SATANIC stuffed animal exhibit!"

The entire congregation went silent. Chiyo sighed.

"It is original…and at least it's an idea.."

"ALLL RIIIGGHHHTTT!!", yelled Tomo, jumping atop a desk; wielding the Lance of Longinus.

"Where did she-", Chiyo began.

"Don't ask.", was all that Yomi could say.

* * *

"No, no, no!", cried Tomo. "The Fourth level of Hell goes over THERE!"

A boy scrambled by, carrying a series of stuffed bears decked out with inverted crosses and corpse-paint. Another girl nearly tripped over a scale model of the Hellish city of Dis.

"Gah! Don't break anything!", screeched Chiyo-chan as she stumbled towards a group preparing to boil some blood for their model of the river Phlegethon.

"Looking pretty good, eh?", Tomo chuckled.

"I'm not so sure this is a good idea…", Yomi said.

Tomo just slapped her on the back heartily.

"Of course it's a bad idea! But, it's a GENIUS bad idea!"

Chiyo, moving towards her good friend Sakaki, noticed her habitually setting up a Satanic looking shrine which contained grim and frostbitten animal plushies. Sakaki was adjusting them to be just perfect upon their palatine.

"Sakaki-san!", Chiyo called out to her.

Sakaki continued to adjust the animals even though they seemed to be in a Golden Mean already.

"Sakaki-san?", she questioned.

Sakaki still did not respond, instead focusing on a black seal plushie that dripped realistic blood from its lips.

"Yes….properly grim.", Sakaki mumbled to herself more than anyone.

Chiyo slowly backed away…

* * *

Soon Kaorin burst into the room and presented everyone with a set of devil horns. Of course, popular vote noted that Sakaki looked the best in them.

"Oh god…it's right out of my dirty dreams…", Kaorin mumbled, blushing.

Just then, the full-body devil costume appeared. It received a proper 'grim' rating from nearly every member of the class. Only one person did not vote 'grim', and that person was none other than Tomo Takino.

"You're not wearing it right!", she accused.

"Not wearing it right?", Chiyo questioned.

"Yeah…..like underwear that's too small."

"Uhh…"

Tomo managed to get the person in the suit to allow her to show the class how to 'wear it like a real man'. She tore the head piece off the current wearer, revealing it to be Osaka.

Osaka grinned at Tomo. "Oh, ya like it rough, do ya?"

Tomo made a strange, disgusted face and ordered Osaka to remove the rest of the costume, which she did in a manner not unlike an exotic dancer. Tomo quickly put on the costume and spun about before running off with psychotic energy. She rocketed down the highways and byways until she reached the entrance to the school.

At that same moment, a certain brown haired girl in glasses was reaching for her school shoes that had taken up residence with her pet gnome in her shoe compartment. Just as she was about take hold of said shoes she noticed, out of the corner of her eye, a terrible demonic creature bearing down on her.

"WHAT THE HELL!!", she cried out as the beast hopped atop her, tacking her to the floor.

"HELLLOOOOO YOMMIII!!", the creature greeted cheerfully in a voice she immediately recognized.

"God dammit, Tomo…."

* * *

Moments later, Yomi dislodged Tomo and forced her to walk back to class with her. Tomo had removed the demonic headpiece and was not holding it under her arm as they walked.

"That damn thing was hellish.", Tomo noted, indicating the head of the costume.

"I can imagine…", Yomi droned.

"I think I peed myself…", Tomo mumbled, but no one heard her comment.

"Hey, Tomo…why the heck did you run all the way downstairs just to attack me?", Yomi asked.

Tomo placed her black-nailed hand on her chin for a moment in thought.

"Hmm….Well, what can I say? We're stuck together! Like sperm and eggs!"

"What?", Yomi questioned, feeling her breakfast well up in her stomach.

"You know what I mean!", Tomo said with a dismissive hand gesture.

They continued their trek for a moment before Yomi spoke again. "You looked….a bit grim back there…"

"REALLY!? Did I just hear you right!? I looked G R I M!!", Tomo jumped up and down in abject hyperactivity.

"Calm the hell down!", Yomi reprimanded.

"You're just grumpy!", Tomo laughed, flailing her arms about, not noticing when her right fist clocked Yomi directly between the eyes, knocking her unconscious.

Silence pervaded the area until one passerby screamed in terror.

"EEK!! A DEAD BODY!!"

"Huh?", Tomo said, turning this way and that before seeing Yomi.

"EEEK! A ROTTING CORPSE!!", cried another passing student.

"No, no , no!", Tomo waved her arms about. "She's okay! Just fainted or something…"

"SOMEONE HAS TO CALL THE COPS!!"

"No!", Tomo said, turning to her only option: mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Leaning over, she placed her lips on Yomi's and blew air into her lungs.

"EWW!! SHE'S KISSING THE DEAD BODY!! FREAK!!", cried one student as she ran off.

Tomo blew two more breaths into her lungs before Yomi's eyes flew open. Yomi sat up in a huff, throwing Tomo off her.

"What the heck, Tomo!?", she screamed, blushing madly.

"Hey, what can I say? Just gotta make out with ya!", Tomo laughed wildly.

There was much pain applied to her skull at that moment.

* * *

The cultural festival was a success, with the visitors content at the sight of so many Satanic stuffed animals. Much of the class headed home afterwards, yet Tomo, Chiyo and Osaka stayed behind to clean up and mull over the day's events. Yomi entered afterwards, sighing and telling the group about her sadness over the event's end. Subsequently, Tomo had the bright idea of giving one more round of blasphemous black metal; Tomo on guitar, Osaka on drums, Chiyo on bass and Yomi on vocals. The sound nearly shattered the foundation of the building but it made the group feel more at ease about leaving that year's event behind.

Walking home that evening, Yomi brought up the earlier events to Tomo.

"Tomo, why the heck did you kiss me earlier?"

"I was saving your life!", Tomo rebutted, blushing profusely.

"That felt more like a kiss…", Yomi said.

Tomo halted and looked at Yomi bashfully before encapsuling her in a tight hug. "There! The reason I uhh…..kissed you was because you're my best friend! You understand how I really am…"

Yomi missed every word after that. She was too focused on how strange it was to be hugged like this by Tomo. Tomo was suddenly revealing all these secrets to her and it was her job to keep them…

"…and that's why I'd like to thank you again, Yomi.", Tomo finished. Even though Yomi had spaced the hell out during Tomo's speech she knew to thank the girl back and hug her with all her love put into the action. As they hugged, they heard a small cough from behind them; turning they saw a girl in a light blue track suit and short, spiked brown hair looking at them.

"Excuse me, but…you've been like that for awhile now. Could you like….go somewhere else to get it on?", the girl said.

Tomo and Yomi just screamed in terror and ran off, hand in hand towards their farewell point. The jogging girl just shrugged and mumbled, "Crazy carpetlickers…"

Tomo and Yomi stood panting when they reached the point where they commonly went their separate ways and stared at each other in embarrassment.

"Yomi….did we look like total lovers back there?", Tomo questioned.

"Of course not!! That girl just WANTS us to be…."

"Yeah…that's it…"

"See you later, Tomo.", Yomi said, taking off towards her own house.

"Peace!", Tomo called, running back to her own abode.

That night, their minds were possessed by nothing but thoughts of the other and why fate must be so very terrible.

"I only wanted to touch her butt a little..", Yomi mumbled before she drifted off to sleep.

* * *


	5. Unholy Confessions

**I have to admit...this chapter was the most fun to write thus far!**

* * *

The school bells rang like a death knell. Well, not really but it sure makes it seem more insistent. Students rocketed out of the building, leaving behind strangely lingering smoke trails. And, you know, it was the last day of the year! Holy crap! Class shuffle time! Osaka bemoaned the situation and Kaorin tore through a steel bar with her teeth in pure anger. Separation of friends, or in Kaorin's case, her insanity trigger, was never a fun concept. Yukari would have no such thing though, and paid off the higher-ups with whatever she did so in order to keep most of her class intact.

Meanwhile, Tomo and Yomi made their way home. Being the splendid day it was, they decided to take the long way…..through Gondor. The smell of stale horse sweat and ignited pitch arrows wafted into their nostrils; a good day, seeing as they spotted no heads on pikes.

"Holy barnacles, Yomi! It's time for our second year already!", Tomo expounded.

"Oh my, my.", Yomi droned. "You sure are excitable."

"CLASS SHUFFLE! YEAH, BABAY, YEAH!", Tomo shouted, arms akimbo.

"Bah…", Yomi sighed. "You're fucked up…"

The two continued to walk, chattering about the lack of condensed milk in the stores and other needless info. They didn't even argue, gods forbid! They managed their way through Mordor, yes they walked right in, and eventually parted ways with a simple goodbye as they headed for their individual homes.

Moments later a girl wearing a similar uniform approached the spot where the two had been moments before and cackled.

"YES!! I AM TRULY A CLAIRVOYANT GODDESS!"

* * *

The following day was the start of a new school year! Students grumbled as they dragged their sorry asses into the building. Indeed though, Yukari's plot had come to fruitation; much of class three was the same save for a few additions. The sports nut, Kagura, being one of these additions. She was a normal sports nut; not one of those prick guys in Abercrombie shirts and sideways caps…

Regardless, Kagura introduced herself to the class; which caused Tomo to immediately go into a frothing fit and, whilst staring at her boobs…or her eyes….same thing, Yomi asked her what was the matter. Before Tomo could respond, Kagura approached them; seeming to trail a cloud of cackling laughter in many demonic vocals.

"Good evening.", she greeted.

Tomo and Yomi exchanged a morbid stare.

"It's the middle of the day."

"So it is….ALAS!", Kagura held aloft a single finger. "Meet me upon the rooftop during the period allotted to nutrient consumption!"

"…..You mean lunch?"

"Quite…", she spoke, traipsing away to the mournful chords of _'Thus Spake Zarathustra'._

"Kagura seems…..familiar.", Tomo mused. "Is it her boobs? No…"

The morning class tore by like a pantsless child. Yukari revealed her true intentions to be world conquest and all was at peace. Osaka dreamt of some 'Tomo Poon' and the Earth continued to spin.

Thus came 'Nutrient Consumption Hour'. Tomo and Yomi made up a tale about the second coming of Christ…or something to that effect and told their friends they would be eating elsewhere.

As they pushed open the door to the roof they spotted a desk chair in the center of the area with its back turned to them. In that chair…sat Kagura.

"….Kagura?", said Yomi.

"BAHAAHAH!", came the cackle as the chair slowly turned under the power of her foot.

Scrape…

Scrape…

Scrape….

"I AM LORD IMMORTAL OF THE SKIES!!", Kagura laughed in mock triumph.

Tomo and Yomi exchanged a glance. You sure do meet the loonies in this line of work…

"Is that it? Man, you're boring!", Tomo said, turning to leave.

"No! Wait!", Kagura called, standing up from her makeshift throne.

"Seriously…what did you want?", Yomi asked, impatiently standing with her hands on her hips.

"You..two….", Kagura droned. "You need not hide it any longer!"

"…Huh?"

"You are both Satanists!"

"You mean that silly Culture Fest thing our class did?", Yomi said. "That was just a joke.."

"Oh…..that sucks…", Kagura sighed deeply.

"What happened to that impressive talk?", Tomo chided.

"Bah….", Kagura said with a dismissive hand gesture. "I was just hoping to recruit you two into my unholy fold."

"Oh..", Tomo said, shrugging.

"Oh, by the way…", Kagura said. "You two are also deeply in love."

Tomo and Yomi stared at one another before forcefully vomiting onto the ground in front of them.

"GACK!", Tomo choked. "W-What the hell did you just say?"

"You two are in love.", Kagura repeated. "Something…wrong with that?"

"Yes! Because we're not!", Yomi said, regaining her composure.

"You sure? The entire school seems to think differently.", Kagura said.

"Woah!", Tomo yelled. "They think we're the Carpetlicking Compadres of the school!?", Tomo shouted in shock.

"Pretty much.", Kagura confirmed, approaching them closer.

"Why!?", Yomi asked, her jaw still dropped.

"First of all….you two are always close to one another.", Kagura nodded.

"Well..yeah.", Tomo said. "We've been friends forever!"

"No…I mean literally CLOSE!", Kagura said, trying to slide a piece of paper between where the two girls' shoulders touched. The paper just would NOT go in. "Look, you two are like those rocks in Macchu Piccu."

"You know…", Tomo said. "Two people can stand close and not be in love."

"Yeah…but usually they don't end up sharing atoms like you two do.", Kagura said.

Silence abounded and nervous foot shuffling was the tune of the day.

"Anyhow…a second point: Yomi lets Tomo do whatever she wants! Regardless of the outcome!"

"That's just because I have photocopies of every terrible piece of blackmail I could have on her.", Tomo said.

"It's true.", Yomi confirmed.

"Well..uhh..anyhow..Example three! I've seen you two hug like you were going to absorb the other!"

"It was YOU!", Yomi pointed at Kagura as if she was trying pick her nose for her. "You saw us that night!"

"That's right! You freakin' stalker!", Tomo expounded.

"Besides, I was just thanking her for something.", Yomi explained.

"Hmph. Sure makes up for all the blushing you two did.", Kagura grinned. The sort of grin that makes you want to break a person's teeth.

"Blushing?", Yomi questioned. "That is totally untrue!"

"Well, we did blush AFTER she saw us!", Tomo corrected. "But only after!"

"But that wasn't the only time I saw you both! I saw you last night in fact!", Kagura said.

"Man, we should just call the cops right now.!", Tomo said.

"Hey! I just had to confirm what I was suspicious of! Nothing against you two at all!", Kagura waved her hands defencively.

Meanwhile, Yomi was contemplating that day months ago. It sure was interesting then; Tomo and her were latched onto one another like a vacuum had somehow formed between them. Other events invaded Yomi's mind, each and every one with its mental compass pointed to 'LOVE'. Yomi blushed, a hard and deep blush that we are now sure could be seen from space.

"Hehehe.", Kagura chuckled, noticing the red-faced wonder. "It seems you have figured it out!"

"Huh!?", Yomi defended herself vehemently, saying that it was only gas.

The bell rang, saving her ass quite nicely. Kagura grabbed the chair and headed for the door back into the building.

"Just think about what I said, ok? And don't worry….if anything happens between you two; you can tell me."

"Yeah, ok.", Yomi said.

"….Just don't think you get to watch.", Tomo added.

Let us now insert a time paradox. School ended moments later without explanation. The gods wept and all was quiet and proper. Regardless, on their way home, Tomo and Yomi crossed the river Styx to stop off at The Secret Place, Inside, Forever. Sitting on a bench beside Tomo, Yomi spoke.

"Tomo, I learned something today.."

"The circle piece doesn't fit in the square hole? Yeah….that's a tough one.."

"Uhhh..not quite.", Yomi said, shuffling her position on the bench.

"Oh….OH! It has to do with that Kagura girl, right?"

"Look..", Yomi said, exasperated but desperately wanting to speak what she felt was the absolute truth. "We're in love and we don't even know it!"

Tomo stared at her as if she had lobsters crawling out of her ears. "Bullshit!"

"No, seriously!"

"But if we're in love and don't know it, how do we know it?"

"We just needed an explanation!"

"Huh? You mean Kagura talking like Aleister Crowley?", Tomo asked.

"Yeah..sort of..", Yomi said. "But look here…", she pulled Tomo to an upright position so they stood no more that two feet apart. "Even if Kagura's examples didn't make a ton of sense, one did."

"Which? The atom smashing?"

"Sort of….it's the hug I'm talking about! You know, even before high school, when we would get close to each other we would blush like raging beasts of lust! There can only be one reason why..", Yomi explained.

"Huh?", Tomo asked. "Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?"

"Tomo, listen!", Yomi reprimanded.

"Fine!", Tomo huffed.

"Regardless, after that I knew that even her second example made a hell of a lot of sense! I let you get away with TONS of stuff! No matter what! Heck, no one else our age lets anyone touch them the way you do me!"

"Oh, you mean like this?", Tomo grinned, grabbing Yomi in a very unmentionable place. Actually, no…that didn't happen. But a guy can dream, right? Regardless, the true answer went more like this: "Hey, I'm no molester!"

"You know what I mean!", Yomi growled. From there they cited many examples of 'love' or so they call it. Everything from their lives, some seemingly fabricated; such as the tale of Tomo's rescue of Yomi from Mount Doom. This went on for a good ten minutes before they came to the final conclusion. Sitting back down, very close in fact, Yomi spoke that conclusion.

"We're fucking insane…"

"Yeah, this is too confusing for my rapidly increasing brain mass.", Tomo said, gazing up into the sky at the flock of dryads floating above.

"What should we do?", Yomi asked idly.

"Get a psychologist? Check into the madhouse?"

"No…we could figure it all out right here!", Yomi said, holding Tomo by the hands. "Ok, we'll stare at one another like we have schitzophrenia, move towards one another very slowly and then we'll describe how we feel ok?"

"Gotcha.", Tomo responded, staring down Yomi as if attempting to summon some sort of laser.

The two moved a few millimeters toward one another and then stopped.

"I feel a little hot…", Yomi said.

"I think my burrito is acting up…", Tomo said.

They inched a bit closer to one another.

"My head feels fuzzy…"

"I think I have something in my eye…"

They moved even closer, by now they were speaking in nothing more than hushed tones.

"My head feels even fuzzier….", Yomi said.

"Yomi…", Tomo whispered.

"Yes, Tomo?", Yomi said, her stomach fluttering with an expectant lust.

"Yomi….", Tomo pushed closer to her, wrapping her arms around her.

"Tomo…", her voice cracked with unbridled passion. Her head felt as if it was on fire now; a good fire, tingly and lovely.

Then the moment came. Their lips brushed one another's for a moment before pushing forward in their first true kiss. It was as if the world ended, began again, and was dismissed into the trash bin of time. The entire time Yomi's head fluttered with that beautiful feeling. As they pulled away from their first kiss, Tomo smiled and spoke.

"Yomi….there's a fairy in your hair."

"GAH!!", Yomi fell out of Tomo's arms and onto the grass. "WHAT THE FUCK!? GET IT OUT!!"

The little beast once again chattered away on gossamer soft wings.

"What a little shit.", Tomo observed.

"Grr….", Yomi growled, then remembered what had occurred before they were interrupted by the mystical creature, and blushed copiously. "We really did it, didn't we?"

"Heck yes!"

"That was almost too easy..", Yomi observed.

"Yeah, you got that right.", Tomo said.

"Does that…make us a couple?", Yomi asked, touching her lips, which were still warm.

"Beats the hell outta me.", Tomo said.

"Well…anyhow, I love you Tomo.", Yomi said.

"Love ya too, Yomi!", Tomo gave a thumbs up.

The simplistic situation was enough to kill an entire herd of cows. Yet, the confession still occurred, and that was what is important. The gods did smile and all was well in Toyomi Land.

* * *


	6. Tomo and Yomi's First Consentual Outing

**Ok, this chapter is far different from the original, so enjoy!**

**Oh, and anyone who gets the movie refrence gets a sticker!**

* * *

Three mind-numbing months after Tomo and Yomi shared their first kiss, they decided to tell Kagura exactly what had occurred. Gods almighty, time sure does pass quickly in Toyomi Land! What about the intervening three months? Does no one care what happened during that time!? Well, fuck you who don't, I'm going to give everyone a little glimpse!

"Yomi….what's that?", Tomo said, pointing to the odd device lying on Yomi's dresser.

"N-nothing! It's nothing!", Yomi stammered, grabbing the device and immediately hiding it behind her back in a panic; the long black cord still hung to the ground behind her though.

"Don't think you can fool me, Yomi.", Tomo grinned; reaching behind Yomi's back with a single swift motion and grabbing hold of what she possessed.

Removing it from her grip, Tomo got a good look at the device. It consisted of an eight inch vertical protuberance with one end tapered into what looked like handles. A cup-like device was attached to the top of the handle area.

"Grr…Tomo! Give that back!", Yomi grasped for the object but Tomo was far too quick.

Tomo held it close to her face in confusion.

"What…is it?", she asked.

"It's….something special…", Yomi admitted, blushing furiously.

"How do you use it?", Tomo asked, entranced at the strange object.

Let us fast forward a good 20 minutes past all the boring explanation that soon becomes tedious and unfulfilling.

"So I just sit here like this?", Tomo asked, holding the object by the handles vertically between her legs as she sat on Yomi's bed.

"Yeah.", Yomi responded. "Oh, don't forget the power crystals.", she said, placing a few transparent crystals into the cup-like mechanism at the top.

Tomo flicked the 'On' switch and was immediately shocked.

"GAH!!", she cried, tossing the machine far across the room. "I didn't time travel!!"

--

Anyhow, let us return to the present time where Tomo and Yomi are confessing their first kiss to Kagura.

"Holy crap, what the hell has it taken you three months to tell me?", Kagura asked.

"…..Beats me.", Tomo shrugged.

"So….how's it been? The carpet-licking, I mean.", Kagura asked, oblivious to how awkward that statement actually is.

The other two girls stared back at her in silence so great that one could hear the waves lapping at the beach in Santa Monica, a mighty fine beach by the way. Then they began to laugh.

"BAHAH!! Kagura thinks we're dating!", Tomo choked through the tears of laughter that poured from her eyes.

"Seriously Kagura…we're friends..not lovers.", Yomi corrected.

"I think anybody would be fooled..", Kagura admitted dryly.

"See, we don't gotta be lovers to go to the movies or anything! Heck, we're going this weekend!", Tomo laughed.

'_You're just adding fuel to the fire, Takino…', _Kagura thought.

"Oh, really?", she asked.

"Yep, yep!", Tomo answered. "We're gonna have a great night out! A raucous time! We're gonna party like it's still the 90's!"

"Speaking of that, what year is it?", Yomi asked, honestly confused.

All three girls stared at one another, slackjawed as a cold wind blew.

"Nevermind that!", Tomo dismissed the question. "It's gonna rock though!"

At that moment the bell rang to signal that one should stop nutrient consumption immediately and head to the next class without fail. Kagura returned, boggled at whether the other two girls actually shared a romantic connection or not. All the signs pointed to it, but they still denied it. They kissed, for gods' sakes! All this began to liquefy Kagura's brain.

Oh well! Days passed and….wait a sec! Why do we miss a few days? For chrissakes! Let's take another peek into what Tomo and Yomi did during the intervening days.

"Tomo…this is really not a smart idea.", Yomi warned, adjusting the cooking pot on her head.

"Oh, c'mon! Just do it once!", Tomo chided, righting her own cooking pot on her head.

"Seriously! This isn't- GAHHHH!!", Yomi screamed as Tomo catapaulted through the air and collided her own armoured head with Yomi's, letting out a wildly painful sounding 'CLANG'!

"EHEHEHEH!!", Tomo giggled in abject amusement as she stumbled away, her brain temporarity scrambled.

Anyhow, NOW we can move on to the weekend! They had agreed to meet in a place where no one could see them, in case any more rumours abounded. So they decided upon meeting at a place least likely to be frequented by their friends: THE GAY BAR! Tomo had arrived first and immediately felt a bit embarrassed standing in front of the brightly lit façade; the thumping bass echoing through the walls of the bar behind her. A myriad of strangely dressed individuals passd by her; gays, transvestites, pre and post op, as well as someone who looked oddly like Yukari, but she passed that off as a figment of her wild imagination. Her fidgeting stopped as she saw Yomi, running at full tilt towards her.

"Hey, Yomi I-"

"C'mon Tomo!! There're hookers propositioning me!!", she said, grabbing Tomo by the arm and forcing her to run with her.

"Woah! Slow down!", Tomo called as Yomi ran with her in a panic.

"Where's the movie theatre!?". Yomi growled.

"Uhh….like three blocks over.", Tomo answered.

One could not have pulled anyone faster than what Yomi managed to do at that point in time. Some say she broke the sound barrier, but nothing is for certain. All we know is that she ran really, REALLY fast.

"Wow, Yomi! You ran really, REALLY fast!", Tomo said upon seeming to appear outside the theatre. "I guess-"

"Tomo, if you mention me being fat even once….I will slam your head in a manhole cover."

"Gotcha...", Tomo affirmed with a gulp.

Yomi scanned the movie posters outside. None of the films looked up to par with what she would deem respectable. 'Ass On Disc 3', 'Don't Open That Door!', 'Deep Space Love Affair' and others that seemed just as mindless.

"What are we seeing?", Yomi asked, mulling over the choices and not truly caring which one they actually went to see.

"That one!", Tomo said, pointing to a poster depicting….some sort of unidentifiable body part in a plastic shopping bag.

"Saw Hostel XII?", Yomi questioned, grimacing at the horrid poster.

"Duh! Critics say it has more detached body parts than any other film in history….ever!", Tomo said excitedly, dragging Yomi towards the ticket counter, purchasing the tickets and then pulling her within the theatre; not even stopping for food along the way!

'_This sucks…'_, Yomi thought, sitting in that darkened theatre.

"COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU: 'DEEP-SEA WHORES XV'! A MANLY TALE OF INTRIGUE, WHALING, AND SEXXX!!"

"Oh god…", Yomi said, sighing and covering her face.

"All right! Previews are the best!", Tomo cheered.

"STARTING IN JULY! 'INDIANA JONES AND THE SEARCH FOR THE TELEVISION REMOTE'! CAN HE FIND IT BEFORE THE KLU KLUX NAZI'S DO!?"

"We're totally gonna go see that!", Tomo said, excitedly jabbing her finger towards the screen.

'_These previews better end soon…'_

No need to fret, Yomi! By the power vested in me as an author I shall skip through those nasty previews so you can face down something far nastier!

"Oh god…what the heck IS that!?", Yomi's teeth chattered in terror as she watched some obscure organ fly out of the chest of one minor character.

"Woah! Cool!", Tomo was ecstatic.

"GAHH!!", the movie was only five minutes in and Yomi already couldn't take it, so she bit the bullet and buried her face in Tomo's chest.

"Hehe…seems Koyomi does have a weakness", Tomo chided over the screams of characters being dismembered by a miter saw.

"S-s-shut up, Tomo!"

So, Yomi spent the rest of the movie face-down in a pair of breasts. I know a few people who would kill for that, but Yomi isn't necessarily one of them.

"That movie was great! Did you see when the guy got his Johnson torn off by garden shears?! Oh, no! You were too busy looking at my boobs!", Tomo laughed uproariously.

"Shut up….", Yomi growled through a blush.

"That's ok!", Tomo pat the girl on the back. "Wait until you see where we're going to eat!"

'_Oh god…It's probably somewhere you can smell the excessive fat flowing through the air…'_

She slunk along behind Tomo who was always up for anything. Sometimes she envied her absurd enjoyment of life.

"Ta-daa!", Tomo called out, presenting the building before them.

"W-wha?!", Yomi was shocked, but in a good way. She expected to be brought to 'Capt. Crabby's House of Lard' but instead they now stood in front of 'Health Palace'; the healthiest food on Earth!

"Ya like it?", Tomo questioned.

Yomi wanted to kiss Tomo right then, but not in _that_ way.

--

In the same area strolled two girls on a mission. Dressed in their finest fatigues and alien ray shielding headbands, Kagura and Osaka staked out Tomo and Yomi to 'confirm suspicions'.

"Do ya even know where they are?", Osaka questioned as they crawled needlessly through the alleyways.

"They said dinner and a movie so…since they weren't at the theatre…we should check all the restaurants along the way.", Kagura intoned.

And thus they crawled. The Italian place they went into kicked them out with fireballs, the noodle house owner was a master ninja and nearly threw a pair of chopsticks through their hearts, and the Middle Eastern place was….actually very kind and invited them in for food, which they accepted before being on their way once more.

"Only one place left.", Kagura said, pointing to 'Health Palace'.

"Mah Gadd...it's like a heaven for fattys…", Osaka droned.

"Would make sense they would go there…Yomi is always concerned about her health."

"But Yomi ain't-"

Kagura immediately shushed her. "Shh! It is legend!"

With that they advanced to none other than the ventilation system of the building. You know, those things are surprisingly easy to get in to!

No matter how quiet they tried to be, those darn aluminum shafts made quite the racket; although, per every other vent-climbing maniac, nobody within the restaurant heard them. They crawled along until they reached a grate that looked down into the dining area.

"There they are!", Osaka pointed down to Tomo and Yomi sitting at a table and gabbing away.

"Ave Satanis….they are dating!", Kagura said, aghast.

Osaka nodded in assent. "They're too close to not be bangin' each other."

--

"Tomo, I swear…if you spit in my food I will crack your head open like a coconut!", Yomi growled.

"Not my fault you had to pee!", Tomo laughed.

"Geez…when you get fat from all that food…I'll make sure to ridicule you too!"

Indeed, Tomo's plate was stacked high with 14 veggie burgers. She had said, "You need a ton of these to equal one REAL burger!"

"Look, Tomo….if you make a scene I swear-

CRACK!

"AH MAH GADD!"

BAM!!

Kagura and Osaka literally fell through the ceiling and collided with a table occupied by two ladies beside Tomo and Yomi's table. Kagura was drenched in salad dressing and Osaka got a lobster tail to the eye.

"AH! THIS IS UNHOLY!!", Osaka screamed.

Tomo recognized the two immediately, grabbed hold of Yomi's hand, and tugged her out of the restaurant immediately. Yomi barely got a word in edgewise as they tore through the street and ended up a local park, out of breath.

Tomo was hunched over to catch her breath and to hide her massive blush.

"Tomo….what the hell was that about!?", Yomi questioned.

"You saw them!", Tomo countered.

"Yeah, so what!?", Yomi was quite infuriated.

"They wanted USSSS!", Tomo half-hissed.

"Huh? I'm confused.", Yomi said, her eyebrow cocked upward.

"Kagura WANTS us to be a couple!"

"….Doesn't she get that we're just friends?", Yomi responded.

"I dunno…but..", Tomo sighed. "She had to go and ruin my plans like that…."

Yomi approached Tomo and wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulders.

"It's ok, Tomo. I had fun."

Tomo looked up at Yomi with tears welling in her deep brown eyes. The two eased closer to one another and…

Insert your own ending, I'm far too lazy to do so because it's almost time for 'M.A.S.H'…

* * *


	7. The Subduing of the Felis Silvestris

It was an effin hot summer day. The kind of day where you could literally cook an egg on the sidewalk; which Tomo did manage to do, mind you. Children frolicked in the park while the town pedophiles watched them from afar. Many took advantage of said day to peddle various wares, including weapons and drugs; because nobody wants to fence a Glock .45 in the rain! Even as evening rolled around, people were still spending their time outdoors, enjoying the downtown love motels and such. It truly was a perfect day….

That is, if one actually dragged their sad ass outside.

"Yomi! Can't we do something outside!? Or at least do something fun in here!?", Tomo complained, kicking her feet against Yomi's bedroom wall.

"Tomo….", Yomi said, looking up from her work. "Do you remember what happened last time I let you 'have fun' in my house?"

Tomo giggled. "Oh, yeah."

--

"PILLOW FIGHT!!", Tomo called, tossing a down pillow towards Yomi's head.

It never reached Yomi's head though. Instead it struck the turning electric fan overhead, knocking off the whirling blades and sending the girls diving for cover to avoid the shrapnel.

"My god, Tomo!!", Yomi screamed.

"That almost lodged in my sternum!", Tomo chuckled.

--

"Yeah, that.", Yomi assented with a sigh.

"Who gives homework during SUMMER!?", Tomo groaned. "It's our time off for chrissakes!"

"College is just around the corner.", Yomi said.

"Nom it ain't!", Tomo called back, yet she counted the remaining months on her fingers. "Err…it's a long time!"

"Not so much…", Yomi said, returning her attention to a particularly brutal English translation. Usually, they were enjoyable with Yukari's off-beat sense of humour, but this was one word she couldn't get….

"Tomo…what's the English word for a girl that is sexually interested in other girls?", Yomi asked, half-heartedly.

"Umm…Kagura?", Tomo said, bursting into raucous laughter.

"Seriously Tomo..do you know it or not?"

"Of course I know it..it's..umm..Oh! Lesbian!", Tomo smiled triumphantly.

"Thank you.", Yomi sighed happily, slammed the book shut and stood up. "Aren't you happy you waited? Now we can go out."

"Woohoo!!", Tomo cheered. "We can go to the movies, then go somewhere to eat, maybe do a little shopping. Oh! And then we can smoke some crack and-"

"Tomo…we don't smoke crack.", Yomi said.

"Oh, right.", Tomo corrected herself. "Ermm..well, we could go to the park!"

Yomi's face went blank; a dribble of saliva dripped from her lips. That park..that fucking park! Everything started there…that damn bet! And now everyone thought they were hooked up! But…that park certainly was relaxing and it had a nice smell to it…

"Yo, Yomi! You fall brain dead thinking about my soft little-"

"No, Tomo!", Yomi stopped the girl just in time.

" …earlobes.", Tomo finished her sentence.

"I was thinking of that bet we made last year!", Yomi huffed. "Remember it?"

"You bet I do!", Tomo answered, cackling at her atrocious pun.

"Well, I'm going to win it! I'm sick of losing all our bets!", Yomi announced.

"Oh, so high and mighty of you! How ever will you do such a thing?", Tomo chided with a cat-like smirk.

"We're going to that park tomorrow! You and me!", Yomi growled, her eyes blazing like coals dipped in the deepest sulfur pits of Hades.

"Fine by me!", Tomo cackled. "Just don't try and get in my pants, cuz I know you do!"

"Oh, shut the hell up!"

"Mnya!", Tomo stuck out her tongue and hopped out the window, disappearing into the night.

'_What a nut…',_ Yomi thought as she lay down in her bed. _'It's almost as if she WANTS me to touch her butt…'_

--

The following day, Yomi was up bright and early, hiking towards the park. She took the special route through the Fields of Despair and down across the Valley of the Damned; a good fifteen minute trek. Tomo met here there later on, only to find her pacing a bare trail through the grass as if this was some sort of cartoon! The forest nymphs were not pleased.

Tomo wanted to speak up to the girl, but her insistent pacing and the rabid chattering of the unhappy forest nymphs made her rethink that.

Yomi stopped pacing. "Tomo…are you ready?"

"…TO RUMMBBLLLLLEEE!!", Tomo giggled at her enormously terrible pun.

"No, Tomo! Are you ready…to change?"

"Bahah!! You still want to win that bet!? How the heck do you plan on changing me? I've been this way for years! I came hopping out of the womb, cursing and acting inappropriately!", Tomo cackled, rolling on the ground.

"Alas! You have shown me your weakness!", Yomi announced, standing above Tomo like some bronzed goddess.

"What? My adoration for stealing your undies?", Tomo pointed out.

"It was you!? Grr..anyhow..no…this park, Tomo! You're hot for this park!"

"Hot for it? Nah, it's nice. Not sexy…", Tomo said.

"It calms you! You said so yourself! SO…", Yomi said, sitting cross-legged in front of Tomo. "We're going to spend an entire day here!"

"Do we HAVE to!?", Tomo whined, fidgeting.

"You're the one who took me here in the first place! You should love it!"

"I can only take elves and dragons for so long before it gets tedious!", Tomo said.

"Too bad! We're sitting here!"

And thus they did. The only sounds came from around them; the chittering of the forest sprites to the echoing calls of the Orc in the land of Mordor in the distance. And if one listened closely there could be heard the undulating mating call of the Cave Sasquatch.

"Yomi….we can't do this ALL day! I mean…what if the Death Eaters come out?", Tomo said.

"Tomo..shut up. We're going to make you less hyper. I WILL win this bet!"

"Someone needs a chill pill!"

Alas, they sat silently once more, Tomo fidgeting with the branches of the Tree of Knowledge and Yomi peering at her over her glasses. Tomo turned away just in time to avoid a confrontation with a serpent on the tree when an idea struck her. To get out of this predicament, she would do what she does best; pester the holy living crap out of Yomi!

So, she grit her teeth until lunchtime where they ate raw pig heads and the chrysalis of the Eastern Monarch butterfly.

"So, pig heads again?", Tomo asked.

"Yes. I slaughtered it myself.", Yomi huffed, serving Tomo a helping of eyeball.

"Gah! I should have known! You know I like the left eyeball and not the right!", Tomo huffed, tossing her eyeball into a cup.

Yomi gave her a vicious sidelong glance that only egged Tomo on more.

"These aren't even real chrysalis!", Tomo complained.

"Tomo….your Jedi mind-tricks won't work on me.", Yomi said.

"There is no spoon.", Tomo chuckled.

Yomi regarded the girl as she watched her munch upon the snout of the hog. It was brutal yet…lovely. She could never really stay angry at Tomo; even after the one time she tried to reenact the Gunpowder Plot in her basement. Tomo, seeing that Yomi seemed to be mentally undressing her, tossed the bloody pig skull at Yomi and dashed off.

Yomi just snapped. Maybe it was the fact that she was now drenched in pig's blood, but you could certainly hear something inside her brain tear; possibly her brain stem or medulla. Even so, she ran after Tomo, but midway…she stopped. Something in the back of her head told her that what she was doing may not be for the best.

For, you see, if Tomo were calmed to the point where she was nothing but a slightly stupid version of Yomi…what fun would that be? No more late-night rendezvous….no more overwhelming attempts at scaling Tokyo Tower…no more calling fast food places and saying your food was cold to get it for free…Her life would be devoid of fun! Oh piss…

'_I have to find her and apologize…'_

"Tomo! Stop making the elves turn you invisible and come out here! I need to have a talk with you!", Yomi called.

"'Bout fuckin' time!!", Tomo screamed, emerging from the woods and tearing off the tendrils of the Murumba tree that had attached themselves to her body. "I thought it was gonna suck out my brains before you found me!"

"…What the heck is in those woods?", Yomi asked, aghast at the sight.

"Oh you know, elves…beasts of burden…the norm.", Tomo shrugged.

"Tomo…I've been thinking..", Yomi began shyly. "Some little thing in the back of my head told me that I…really wouldn't like you to change…"

"Wait…YOU are admitting defeat!?", the smile on Tomo's face was enormous and bothersome. Yomi wanted to break it.

"Look, I don't care if I win or lose. Just don't make the stakes like last time….I mean, I can't AFFORD a space shuttle."

"Bahahah!! I win! I win!", Tomo danced a fancy jig. "Third year I am totally making you do something INCREDIBLY stupid!""….How stupid?"

"Let's just say it involves a gorilla, an open window and fifteen kilos of flan!", Tomo giggled, falling over into Yomi's arms.

Yomi gazed down at the lightly blushing girl, her own emotions rising to her face to turn it scarlet. Tomo glanced up at her, her eyes half-hooded in a rather erotic expression. A grin cracked her face.

"Yomi…."

"Yes, Tomo?", she replied breathily.

"You remember how you said a little something in the back of your head told you to talk to me?", Tomo asked, her eyes sparkling in the high sun.

"Yes, of course.", Yomi responded, her lips opening expectantly.

"Well…there is a fairy clinging to the back of your head."

"WHAT THE FUCK!?", Yomi dropped Tomo heavily on the ground as she swatted at the chattering, tiny glowing creature.

Tomo was on the ground now, not in pain, but in a horrid fit of laughter that awakened even the hibernating Ents. Yomi just sighed, yet she was happily enamoured by the audacity of the sugar-fueled girl. Life certainly wouldn't be complete without her.

"Hehehe….Whoo!", Tomo stood up and wiped her eyes from the laughing fit. "Ok! Let's go get krunk!"

"No, Tomo…"

"Oh, come on!! Fine…let's go shoot a few hookers!"

"No, Tomo…"

"Pfft! How about we join up with the Riders of Gondor!?"

"No, Tomo…"

Thusly, that is how the rest of the day went. No women of the evening were killed and the Riders of Gondor did successfully raid an Orc camp. All was at peace once more in Toyomi Land.

* * *


	8. It's Satanmas Thrice!

**Fair warning for common perverseness, but I'm sure you already expect that.**

* * *

"Yo, Kagura I'm gonna talk to you for a sec….", Tomo called.

Kagura sighed and mumbled those familiar words to herself. "Whether you like it or not…"

"…whether you like it or not!'

Kagura head hit the desk and she groaned. Gods almighty, Tomo was more than just a handful; she was a _predictable_ handful. Yet, she had already promised to listen to the girl's problems whenever she had one, so she assented to the therapy session, at least that's what she thought it was going to be.

Tomo sat down in the chair next to Kagura's and sighed extravagantly. Kagura cocked an eyebrow and Tomo repeated the gesture. Kagura stayed silent and stared.

"I _SAID_…..", Tomo sighed again, this time far louder and more exaggerated.

"Ok, Tomo…what the heck is wrong now?", Kagura asked in an overly smarmy manner.

"Kagura, it's almost Christmas!", Tomo whined.

"By The Great Beast's left hoof! You are correct!", Kagura gasped, standing up and pulling a small vial of ram's blood from her skirt pocket, dipping her finger in it and sketching a quick inverted pentagram on her forehead before sitting back down.

Tomo, seemingly used to Kagura's random Satanic outbursts, continued where she had left off.

"I need to buy Yomi something…so I came to you."

"Me? _Me_ of all people!? Why the hell!? You know I'm just going to suggest a goblet of virgin's blood or a compendium of blasphemous spells! I'm no good at buying presents for non-believers!", Kagura ranted.

"Yeah, but I'm sure you can come up with SOMETHING!"

"Why don't you just ASK Yomi?"

"What she was asking for…geesh!", Tomo assented with a wave of her hand.

--

"_Hey Yomi, if you could have anything for Christmas, what would you want?"_

"_Tomo, you know what I'd want…"_

_Tomo blushed. Did she mean….No, never, ever, ever!!_

"_Well..tell me anyway!", Tomo said._

"_Fine…I'd want the Hadron Collider, of course."_

"_That what-zit?"_

"_The Hadron Collider. It's a particle accelerator."_

"_O-kay…."_

"_Maybe something a little more…realistic?"_

"_Ok, fine….then just an MeV Van de Graaff._

_--_

"…she wanted to make black holes all by herself.", Tomo huffed, obviously feeling quite distressed over said issue. Kagura wasn't too surprised though; what better way to explore the universe and encounter trans-dimensional beings? Yomi was smart enough…right?

"Then again,", Kagura countered. "You _did_ ask her what she would want if she could have _anything_ for Christmas.", after saying the final word she anointed herself with more ram's blood to burn away the purity.

"Right..right…", Tomo assented. "I guess I should have asked her what I could get that I didn't have to lift from a foreign government agency."

"I mean….", Kagura sighed. Sometimes talking to Tomo was like a never ending root canal. "Ok, I'll help you. I mean, why don't you go out and just get Yomi something you know she would enjoy?"

"Kagura, you raging bitch of knowledge! You may have a point there!"

"Ave Satanis.", Kagura said with a proud nod.

"Meet me at the station this weekend! We have acres of stores to go to!", Tomo called, walking off with a shit-eating grin on her face.

"But, Tomo that's when I….", she stopped with a sigh. "Oh well, I guess I'll have to bring my animal sacrifices with me."

Moments later, her thoughts of skinned cow skulls were interrupted by Yomi plopping herself down in the chair where Tomo had been only minutes before.

"Kagura, I need help..err…finding a Christmas present for Tomo."

'_This is the fucking Twilight Zone; I swear..'_, Kagura thought.

"Look, I'll help you out; just don't ask for any Hadron bosons or whatever.", Kagura made a dismissive hand gesture.

"The God particle?", Yomi questioned. "You speak of the universal axioms!!"

"Err….", Kagura was caught between a rock and a hard place. Well, more like a polycarbonate desk and a slightly-chubby spectacled adolescent.

"Wait…how the heck do you know about my plots!?", Yomi asked, her eyes giving 'the death stare'!

"TOMO IS LOUD!! REALLY FUCKING LOUD!!", Kagura answered all too loudly herself, waving her hands before her. She had never been so horrified in her life. Even the Great Prince Belial was naught to the gaze Yomi was penetrating her soul with.

"Quite….", Yomi assented with a nod. "Though…I never know what to get Tomo. She can be so difficult to buy for."

"Just…get her something you know she would like…", Kagura answered hesitantly; fearful of meeting that Phleglethon-dipped gaze once more. She wondered how Tomo ever dealt with such a soul-shredding look.

'_Oh, that's right. Tomo has no soul….'_

"Right…right.", Yomi nodded in agreement, standing and exiting the premises.

Kagura was glad. So glad she was half a hair's breadth away from doing naked cartwheels about the room.

--

Tomo finally we able to get Yomi's 'Time Machine' to work; but it only sent time forward to the weekend, not 3155 as had been planned. Oh well! It was time to shop with Kagura! Whoopie!

'_Piss! I'm late!', _Tomo thought; rushing out of Yomi's house and leaving her there in her catatonic stupor.

Fortunately for the excitable girl, she had the forethought to wear her Rocket Shoes for the time travel experiment. Thusly, pushing a recessed button on the side of the sole, small jets popped from the rear of the sneaker and with just a small step she was off like a retired Concord!

--

As is with time travel; only those within or touching the machine will stay in the same place. Kagura, on the other hand, zipped through the days like molten gristle. So now we join her standing in the shopping sector, awaiting Tomo's arrival.

"Dammit Tomo….she probably off playing tongue games with Yomi…", Kagra sighed in desperation.

"Tongue _what_?", came a quizzical voice from behind Kagura, nearly casing her to choke to death on her own saliva. She turned to see that it was the one, the only, Tomo Takino.

"TOMO!? When the hell did you get here!?", she asked.

"Oh, just a second ago.", Tomo answered and then lifted one of her feet. "Rocket shoes!"

Kagura nodded slowly. She had heard of such diabolical creations. They were supposed to be illegal!

"By the unholy breath of Lucifer! You are such a cavalier!", Kagura declared, aghast.

"Well….no crap.", Tomo responded, shifting her gaze around the area.

"Lead the way, Tomo.", Kagura assented.

It could have been predicted by even the most sour of soothsayers, the most peerless of the prophets, the most mindless of magicians. Tomo, indeed, did head straight for the local sex shop.

'Dr. Dong's', the sign read.

Alas, Kagura stopped her mere inches from the entrance.

"We are NOT going to the sex shop!"

"Awww! C'mon!"

"NO!", Kagura commanded.

"Then can we go to the cigar shop?"

"NO!!", Kagura screamed.

"Ok, then how about the sex shop?"

"Fine, I mean NO!!", Kagura quickly corrected herself, but Tomo had already made her way inside…

To save on the possible disillusionment of many young readers, we will skip ahead over the atrocities they saw within.

_Fifteen minutes later…._

The two girls wandered out of the sex shop, their eyes wide as saucers and their jaws slung open in a horrible mirror of a certain lecherous teacher.

"I will never….", Kagura began.

"Have sex….", Tomo continued.

"EVER!", came the chorus.

Little did she know that Kagura secret purchased a book for her own…perusement, titled: 'The Ins-and-Outs of the In-and-Out'. Now, Kagura is not a pervert, just…curious, is all!

From there they moved on. They were deeply engrossed in finding Tomo the absolute perfect present for Yomi that didn't include hopping a boarder fence.

"Tomo, do you even have any idea what Yomi would want? I mean, I really don't think she would have appreciated that fat suit."

"It would have been funny! But…anyhow…Of course I know what Yomi likes! I know everything about her; even where and when she shaves!"

"Eww…."

"Don't ridicule my knowledge!"

Kagura sighed. She wondered how the heck these two could even stand one another. How the heck did they even MEET one another? Thusly Kagura, using her superior deductive powers, decided to ask said question to Tomo.

"It was in grade school and our class was trapped in the desert by a whirling sandstorm! The rest of the class was in a panic, but was I? Of course not! Tomo Takino doesn't panic! She waits for the right moment….and then strikes! So, here I was refitting the tires on the bus with sticks and chewed bubble gum when this little girl with glasses walked up to me. "Oh, Tomo! You're so brave!", she said with her voice just _dripping_ admiration. "It's ok.", I responded. "It's my JOB to be brave!" So with my creative skills we were able to escape the desert just before the Mongol raiders were set to capture us and make us their slaves! Me and Yomi have been together ever since.

Tomo stood proudly. Almost too proudly.

"Tomo..", Kagura said. "That was the most _massive_ pile of bullshit I've ever heard."

"Fine then.", Tomo shrugged. "Next time you're stuck in a desert, I'll just leave you there for the Mongols to take away."

Together they entered a music shop owned by some man they were sure had killed someone for he gave every customer the 'Thousand-Yard Stare'. They snuck past his radar, as they were wont to do every time and headed towards the racks of music.

"Ok..well what kind of music does Yomi like?"

"Oh, you know…that Kenny G guy and his….Ooo!! New Fat Chicks' album! Hahah!! 'Man the Harpoons'!"

Kagura sighed and wandered away from Tomo; who was now giggling furiously at the new Seal Clubber's album 'Let's Go Clubbin'. Kagura sure as hell did NOT enjoy being part of this search for gifts. She wished to Satan to be allowed to leave. Thusly, when Tomo began chuckling at the new film '420: Spartans on Weed' she decided to book it as fast as possible.

Exiting the store onto the street, she spotted Yomi mulling about aimlessly across the street.

"OH YOMI!!", Kagura cried, hopping across the tops of cars and a few buses to make it to the other side. "SAVE ME FROM THIS HORROR!!"

"Ah! Kagura, it seems you are out as well.", Yomi grinned a needlessly malicious grin.

Kagura almost fell off the roof of a cab she was stepping upon, but caught her footing just in time. By gods…she never felt comfortable around Yomi. Not at all.

"Yeah..well..err…", Kagura droned.

"Yeah, I came today because it seemed every other day Tomo wanted me to be on top of her."

"What?"

"Hang out."

"Oh…right…"

From there they together decided it would be best to continue their conversation with one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind and have lunch on the moon. Don't ask questions; you truly do not want to know how atrocious the path to there is!

As she nibbled on her Moon Cheese, Kagura spoke up and mentioned Tomo's story from earlier.

"Are you kidding me?", Yomi responded. "Did she tell the one about the volcano of lightning?"

"…No.", Kagura answered, but she made sure to post a mental note to ask Tomo about that later.

"Well, let me tell you how we REALLY met…."

Thusly, Yomi went on; recounting the exact same story Tomo had told. Right down to Yomi's admiration of Tomo's bravery. Kagura was stricken! Tomo could actually tell the truth! BY GODS!

"Kagura…are you ok? You know, if you keep your mouth open like that you might catch Moon Worms."

"Oh..right…", Kagura reattached her lower jaw and finished her Lunar Stew.

'_Mmmm..rocks.'_

As they left the Moon and headed back to Earth; Kagura had a thought. As absurd as the story was, that meant Tomo and Yomi trusted her with said information about themselves. How quaint! Oh, to have such non-believer friends! She never knew it would be so glorious!

When they had returned from whence they originally left, they spotted Tomo exiting the music store. Tomo spotted both of them and literally flew across the street to meet them. And I do mean literally…..in the air..and stuff.

"Lookie what I found in there, Kagura!", Tomo said, holding up a DVD reading 'Cars Hitting Old People!'

"Tomo….you're so simple.", Kagura sighed.

"Can't be helped!", she responded with a wink before grabbing hold of Yomi's arm and tugging her away; the entire time blabbing about how cool her present was going to be.

Kagura turned away for just a moment and when she turned back the two were gone. She was flabbergasted at first, but then she recalled…..Tomo's Rocket Shoes!

"What a bitch..", she bemoaned and made her slow path to what she telepathically knew their final destination would be: Yomi's house. Do not ask how or why she knew this; such questions only lead to….trouble…

Kagura did manage to locate Yomi's house through her mental GPS. She hid behind a few bushes and peered up at Yomi's room to spy upon what was developing within….Heck, if she was lucky she might be able to catch some lezzing out!

Up in Yomi's room, the situation was quite different. Tomo handed Yomi her present with not less than a few chuckles.

"Aww…'667: The Neighbor of the Beast'! You always know what I want!", Yomi giggled happily as she held the new book.

Tomo bounced impatiently on the bed.

"So, where's my gift!?"

"I'll be back in a sec.", Yomi said with a slightly lusty grin plastered on her face.

Tomo couldn't wait! Oh, what would it be!? A spaceship? A cowboy!? AUNT JEMIMA!?

Yomi came back, leading a very familiar man by the hand.

"Oh, Tomo…", she chided in a singsong voice.

"THIS is my gift!?", Tomo asked, aghast.

"Of course!"

"OH YOMI!!", she cried out, hugging her friend tightly.

"No problem. I knew you always wanted one of your own."

Down below, Kagura was a bit…put off by the present….but shrugged. People were odd; especially those two. So, Kagura walked away into the night; content that at least those two were happy.

And a cry broke the silence.

"FALCON PUUNNNCCHHHH!!"

Ah! The sounds of Christmas!

--


	9. In Light And Mints

**All right!! More Flutter'd Out craziness!**

* * *

Yomi stared out her window and alluded to the fact that her rear end was itchy and she had a hangnail on her right index finger. A few moments before, she had nearly battered down a wall of her room with Tomo's thick skull after Tomo had discovered Yomi's hidden stash of Vegemite. Now the two sat separate, Yomi by the window and Tomo sequestered off in her own corner.

Not a word broke through that icy silence. As still and grim as the fjords of Scandinavia they sat. Occasionally there was a bleat of a car horn or the hooting of a Sasquatch to let them know that indeed, life still went on.

Regardless, Yomi knew deep down that Tomo would keep the secret of her love for the acquired taste of that Australian delicacy.

Tomo felt a breeze on her back and turned to notice that Yomi had slid open the window, a silent plea for Tomo to leave.

Tomo stood and shuffled her way across the carpeted floor towards the window. Yet, she did not make it out before Yomi interrupted and broke the silence.

"Tomo….you won't tell anyone about…'that'….will you?"

"Nah!", Tomo grinned. "Nobody needs to know about your disgusting habits."

Yomi grimaced , slightly put off by Tomo's choice of words at that moment. But Tomo did what she does best and 'went with the flow'. "Besides! I never tell anybody your REAL secrets. C'mon, that story about the merfolk of East Germany is waaaaayyy old!"

Yomi had to crack a smile. In all the mind-altering years she has known her, Tomo had yet to tell the world, press conference or not, about any of Yomi's deeper, darker secrets. But, for the sake of irony, I shall tell you them here:

Yomi is not, in fact, fat nor pudgy in any way she simply lives in constant, heart-wrenching denial.

Despite what Tomo says, she does not own scandalous porn magazines. Well, not anymore that is…

She had an invisible pet dragon named Scorchy until she was thirteen years of age.

There was a point in time where Tomo and Yomi did indeed see one another naked. They no longer speak of this.

Yomi often torments Tomo as equally as Tomo does her. All in good fun, of course.

There is evidence that puts Yomi near the crash site of a recent UFO. No other information available.

Even with all these secrets, Tomo never spoke a one. That was one thing you could count on, besides death and taxes, was that if you had a deep, horrible secret Tomo would not speak a word of it to any man, woman, beast, carnie, or god.

"Look, Yomi…", Tomo spoke. "I'm sorry for making fun of your disgusting spread collection."

"Eh?", Yomi said, cocking her eyebrow. "You? Sorry? That's like Hitler saying sorry!"

"Oh, come on! It's not THAT bad!"

"Right, right…", Yomi assented.

"Besides, I just love to tease!", Tomo added with a less-than-becoming giggle.

"Yeah…no freakin' crap.", Yomi retorted with a snort.

"But that is simply to show that I love people.", Tomo said this with such great grandeur and implication of exaggeration that it seemed rather fraudulent.

"That can't be true…..That's like saying kicking men in the crotch is a loving gesture."

"Seriously, Yomi! You should know that half of what I say comes right out my ass!"

Yomi just licked her lips and sat back in her chair, not responding.

"Look, what do I have to do to get you to believe me?"

At this point, Yomi let loose a wild grin. An extremely horrifying grin at that. Tomo recoiled, shifting her gaze around the room for any means of quick escape.

"You know exactly what I'm going to say, don't you Tomo?"

"GAHH!! No, No YOMI!! DON'T MAKE ME DO IT!! PLEASE!!"

Tomo panted helplessly as Yomi spelled out her request. Tomo's scream echoed through the multiverse.

--

Yomi looked up from her cooking and gazed about the room. Tomo and Koyomiko were settled silently on the sofa, watching the TV with intense interest.

"Tomo, did you just scream?", she asked.

"Nuh-uh.", Tomo shook her head. "Why do you ask?"

"I could have sworn I heard you scream…."

"Must be hearing things, Yomi.", Tomo responded, never taking her eyes off the TV. "Hey Koyomiko, ya think Koharu-chan would like this movie?"

"Yeah!", Koyomiko chirped happily.

--

Yomi instantly halted her viola playing in the middle of an extended conclusion to a popular folk tune and looked about the room. The fire crackled briskly and Tomo was curled up at her feet; asleep.

'_I could have sworn….'_

She shrugged off the odd scream as notes once more slid off her bow and into the air.

--

"Tomo, did you just scream", Yomi asked, scanning the area for more enemies.

"Heck no! You're just hearing things! Let's go!", Tomo laughed raucously as she ran further down the road, the bracelet connecting the two eventually yanking Yomi along roughly.

--

Yomi looked up from her desk and gazed about the room curiously, gaining the attention of one of her fellow classmates.

"Miss Yomi, is everything alright?", Madoka asked.

"Yeah….everything is fine…", Yomi responded quietly, turning back to the front of the room after noticing that Tomo asleep at her desk.

--

And thusly Tomo wept as she took part in Yomi's request. The deep shade of the trees made this task all the more horrendous.

"Yomi….do I really have to do this…?", she questioned.

"You did ask me what you would need to do in order to convince me.", Yomi grinned. "Now, keep going. You're not even halfway through the tree."

Tomo wept once more, consenting to the fact that the backbone of a herring is surprisingly durable.

After the tree fell, Tomo was forced to drag it back to Yomi's place where she went about carving it into the proper shape.

"Yomi, this is just torture!", Tomo groaned, sliding the pocketknife over the wood grain.

"Tomo, don't worry. Once you finish, we'll have fun together, ok?", Yomi said with a mischievous smile.

"Ooooo, Yomi...", Tomo blushed, carving quicker than ever.

"That's my girl..", Yomi grinned, sitting back to watch the pieces of wood fly.

Three hours of intense carving later, Tomo had completed the wooden slats. After a quick, disassembling of a piano keyboard and the introduction of a few pieces of fabric, Tomo's mission was complete!

"Done!",she panted. "How do you..like it?"

Yomi was aghast with joy as she held the device in her hands.

"Tomo…I…..I..I LOVE IT!", she burst into a fit of laughter then turned to the shorter girl and gave her the same mischievous smile as earlier. "Shall we…have that fun now?"

"Oh, yes…..", Tomo stood up, unsnapping her pants…

**Ten minutes later….**

"Yomi!!", Tomo moaned. "It's too tight!!"

"Just put up with it Tomo and have fun, ok?", Yomi reprimanded as she pushed harder.

"But…."

"I thought you liked polka, Tomo?", Yomi asked, pumping her slipshod accordion that Tomo had made for her.

"Well….I thought you meant a different kind of fun..", Tomo whined, attempting to dance properly in her too-tight lederhosen.

"Just go with the flow, Tomo!", Yomi said, letting loose more wailing notes from the squeezebox.

--

It was late and Kagura had already performed her blasphemous prayers and was now curled up happily in her bed, drifting off into Dreamland. Just as the darkness of lovely sleep was overcoming her, a knock came at her window. She sat bolt upright, seeing as this was odd due to her room being on the second floor.

She scooted over to the window and peered outside just as another rock collided with the glass pane. Below her, tossing the rocks, was Osaka. Thusly, Kagura pushed the window open.

"Osaka! What the hell are you doing!?", she hissed.

"Kagura! Ah was just tossin' rocks at yer window."

"….Why?", Kagura asked, exasperated.

"Cuz I wanna talk to ya.", Osaka responded.

"You could have just called me, you know?"

"Yeah, but I see people do this in movies all the time and it looked like fun!", Osaka giggled.

"Look, Osaka…I'm gonna send down a sheet that you can climb ok?"

"Gotcha!", Osaka said, making an 'OK' sign with her fingers.

Luckily for her, the passing gang members did not notice this and misinterpret it or otherwise we might have had to cut this story far short of its destined goal.

Moments later, Kagura draped a sheet down from her window and, with extreme effort on her part, Osaka scrambled up the sheet into Kagura's room.

"Whew….I thought I was gonna get a hernia there for a sec.", Osaka bemoaned.

"Ok, Osaka.", Kagura had her hands impatiently on her hips. "What did you need?"

"Oh…right….Umm..uhh…I forgot."

"GYAHHHHH!!", Kagura cried out in frustration. "You better remember quickly!"

"I'm tryin'! I'm tryin'!", Osaka pleaded, horrified at angering the school's resident Satanist.

"GRRROOOWWLLLL!", Kagura roared from the deepest, darkest regions of her soul.

"I REMEMBER!! I REMEMBER!", Osaka yelled, gaining the calm attention of the once-raging girl. "I got a crush on someone and I wanna know what to do."

"Eh?", Kagura cocked her head in confusion. "You have a crush and you come to me for advice? Why?"

"I thought ya could use some of yer devil majiks to help me or summin….", Osaka responded with a nod and blank stare.

"Umm….Osaka…Lord Master Satan is unconcerned with matters of love."

"Aww….", Osaka moaned sadly, tears coming to the corners of her eyes.

"Wait, wait….who do you have a crush on anyhow?"

"Gary Busey."

"What!?", Kagura took many, many steps back in horror; nearly enough to walk all the way out the door.

"What? I said Tomo-chan.", Osaka stared, confused.

"Eh?", Kagura shook her head to clear it. She must be hearing things, she realized. "You like Tomo?"

"Uh-huh.", Osaka nodded.

"…Why?"

Osaka smiled broadly as she spoke. "She's all excitin' and cheery. And she has a cute butt."

"…Riiigghhht….", Kagura droned. "So..uhh….what do you need me for? I mean, I'm no relationship expert."

"I just thought ya might know what I could do to…ya'know…confess to her.", Osaka said, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

"Ok, fine….I have a few ideas…", Kagura said with a sagely nod.

"Really!?", Osaka's eyes perked as she bounced happily on her heels.

"Oh, yes. But you must do it properly or else it you'll blow the chance completely."

"Got it!", Osaka said with a salute. "Gotta blow the chance to do it properly!"

"No..no…You gotta do it properly or else you will blow your chance completely."

"Got it! Gotta properly blow my chance to do it!"

"No…Osaka, you sound like a damn movie! You have to do it properly or else you will blow your chance completely! Got it?", Kagura said, totally exasperated.

"Ah, I got it now! Gotta call for reinforcements before they overrun our borders!"

"Osaka….what the crap?", Kagura wondered aloud. "Please, just shut up and listen."

"Gotcha! Shutting up.", Osaka said, making very vocal computer-powering-down noises.

"Ok…", Kagura began. "This is my plan…."


	10. Style Is the Style of Style

**Woohoo! On a roll here! Just to let you know, part of this chapter is what I submitted when I was first chosen for this task. Heeheheh, so I'm particularly proud of this one.**

* * *

Ah, spring! The inexorably wafting smell of fresh cut lawns coupled with the resurgence of underground drug trafficing rings sure did make the day far more rewarding for those who spent it under the eternally-grumbling sun. This day marked the beginning of a brand new school year! A godsend for parents sick and tired of their homebound children's bitching and a devil's footprint for the children thus spoken of. Anxiety spread like the plague along the lines of students and their respecively unhappy teachers that were forced back into their line of work.

One of said students was Yomi. Wow! Who would have guessed!? Not me; I am far too simple-minded to make such a deviously complex connection between the two. I still fail to put the circular piece into the square hole!

Yomi quickly reached the entrance to the school; using her TARDIS, of course. She gazed upwards at the looming structure and let out a deep, heartfelt sigh.

_'Damn time...with it's movement and stuff...'_

The spring air, with it's floating pollen and the near-constant odour of crysanthemums made Yomi gag and hack up bloody phlegm. All these negative reactions led her to the feeling that she was forgetting something. She had no clue what that something might be, but she sure as hell knew it was _something._

She shrugged off the feelings, because last time she acted upon them she nearly broke the agreements placed forth during the Geneva Convention. Now THAT sure wasn't a day she had any want to repeat.

Thusly, she made her way inside. She didn't wish to stand around outside any longer lest she grow roots and soon have to survive through photosynthesis. She walked through the hallways, clomping past assembled groups of kids, a few masked invaders and the entire '83 New England Patriots team before reaching her new homeroom.

"Hey, Yomi! Yeah, you! You with the face!", she heard Kagura yell, rocketing up behind her like a woman possessed.

"GAHH!!", Yomi cried out, shifting her gaze towards the windows in case she indeed did need to jump. It wasn't that far after all...

"What's wrong with you?", Kagura inquired with a curious look.

"You're not going to...cast a devil spell on me...are you?", Yomi sputtered.

"Heck no!", Kagura retorted. "That's only for those who dare defile Master's presence!!"

Lightning struck from the clear sky, leaving a smouldering crater in the centre of the football pitch.

--

"Dammit, Kagura...I told you HOW many times not to speak of your religious convictions in school?", Nyamo mumbled in disdain a few rooms away after she spotted the flash.

--

"Anyhow...where's Tomo?", Kagura asked, returning to her calm and placid form. The one not enamoured to the Lord of Darkness.

"I'm not sure. She spoke to me in a dream just last night saying she had some sort of surprise awaiting us."

That very fact sent a shiver down Yomi's spine. Last time Tomo spoke of having a surprise for her the two came frighteningly close to being put on the terrorist watch list. The fact that this information was imparted to her in a dream made her even more lax to feel enthused about it.

Together they entered their homeroom and were none too shocked to see that the class roster had not changed much. Only a few new students that seemed slightly out of place; Dale Ernheardt, Chad Pennington and Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

Their friends, in particular Osaka, Chiyo and Sakaki were off to the side of the room together, solving world crises and aiming to disassemble the neutron; Truly menial tasks.

"Greetings mortals!", Kagura cackled as she entered. Her classmates greeted her with dismal stares and stifled giggles. Not one bow of prostration. Abhorrent!

Yomi and Kagura approched the sitting girls, which prompted Chiyo to turn and speak with them.

"Where's Tomo and Kaorin?", Chiyo intoned.

"Tomo should be here any minute.", Yomi replied.

"But Kaorin's in a different class.", answered Kagura.

"Thank GOD!", Sakaki openly sighed, covering her mouth afterwards in embarrassment.

--

Elsewhere, Kaorin screamed wildly.

"NO!! NOOOO!! GOD HAVE MERCY UPON MY INNOCENT, VIRGIN SOUL!!"

Indeed, it seems that she was placed in Kimura's class; something that she would kill an endless supply of people to get out of. If she was trapped in a prison and the choices were: Go to Kimura's class or be disemboweled by dung beetles; she would choose the latter in a fraction of a heartbeat.

All the other females in Kimura's class were only slightly put off by his thinly veiled perversions. Kaorin, on the other hand, felt only murderous, torture-ridden rage for the man. This notion brightened her day somewhat.

She grinned broadly.

"Oh, yes...there will be blood!"

--

Sakaki felt a shiver run down her entire body. She felt cold; an ominous cold.

"Ick..."

"GOOOOOOOOD MORNING, EVERYONE!!"

The group turned to find...Tomo! Their collective jaw dropped in shock.

DA DADA DAAAAAAAAA!

Tomo found the Lesbian Haircut! If people didn't think you were gay before, they sure do now!

That exact impression seemed to eminate from the air itself as if divinely inspired. If this was Tomo's 'surprise' it sure came as a non-shock to many of those assembled.

"HAH!!", Kagura stood and pointed. "YOU _ARE_ A CLAM DIVER!!"

"Huh?", Tomo cocked her head in confusion, not noticing that Chiyo had approached her.

"Tomo-san, you cut your hair?"

"Eh? Well, duh! The hell does it look like?"

Chiyo grimaced slightly, not quite comprehending why Kagura was cackling and why Yomi was praying for immediate death. Regardless, she decided to ask Yomi just what was going on.

"Yomi...", she whispered to the older girl. "Did Tomo have a..."

Time stood still. Indeed, for an instant the world froze; giving Yomi the opportunity to stand and belt out a short portion of a tune.

_**(Time stand still)  
I'm not looking back  
But I want to look around me now  
(Time stand still)  
See more of the people and the places that surround me now  
Freeze this moment a little bit longer  
Make each sensation a little bit stronger  
Experience slips away  
Experience slips away**_

With a short cough, she sat back down and turned to answer Chiyo as time once again flowed.

"Yes, Chiyo. Tomo did have a battle with lysergic acid...and lost."

"Oh...", Chiyo gave a quick glace back at the girl in question, as if assuaging the validity of that explanation.

"Why did you cut your hair?", they heard Osaka ask.

"Well, don't I look so much better like this?", Tomo grinned, fluffing up a few locks.

The others continued to just stare, speechless.

"Fine! Don't believe me!", Tomo huffed, plopping down in her chair.

At that moment, Yukari entered the classroom accompanied by a smoke machine and the most blasphemous of black metal. Class went on without a hitch, yet Yomi couldn't help but notice Osaka shifting her glace from the teacher, across the oxygen molecules she was convinced only Osaka could see, over to Tomo...and stopping on her.

_'This is stranger than the time I died...', _Yomi mused in her mind.

--

As Yomi floated past the lovely white puffs of cloud and the near-constant rain of sugary sweets she spotted through the copious light ahead; a figure. A smile spread across her face as the figure became more and more distinct...

"I...I can almost see it..."

"Koyomi...", she voice boomed, with just a hint of mischeviousness. "I am God!"

Yomi fent completely enthralled as the figure came into her field of vision...

"Gary Busey!?"

--

Yomi shivered in disgust at the memory whilst watching Osaka blush lightly as she stared at Tomo's near-sleeping form.

_'It can't be...no...'_

And Osaka continued to give Tomo the Thousand Yard Stare...

--

Twelve and a half bells marked the beginning of 'nutrient consumption hour'; known to the laymen as 'lunch'. As the students each took up their places at their individual lunching spots, Osaka grabbed Tomo in a full-nelson and dragged her off to Mars. Red Rocks! Woo! WOO!

"The hell we doing way out here?", Tomo asked, scuffing her shoes against the crimson dirt.

"Tomo-chan...I need yer attention a minute, k?", Osaka asked, her countenence quite serious.

"Uhh..okay...", Tomo droned, screwing her face into a confused form.

"Tomo-chan, I need you to meet me at the park after school.", the mind-warped girl said.

"Eh?", Tomo replied, still confounded. "Why?"

Osaka reached out her arms, and in a moment, had Tomo's shoulders pinned to a large rock. Tomo stood in shock. She had never known Osaka to be so quick and insistant.

"Tomo-chan...you NEED to meet me at the park at sunset tonight...'round the tree that looks at weird and stuff. You know...the one if the back. You know the one I'm talkin' 'bout, right?"

Tomo nodded slowly in assent. She knew exactly where Osaka was speaking of; she was simply horrified. Osaka's gaze was enrapturing; enchanting and other adjectives used to describe a transfixing nature.

"Good...good.", Osaka smiled. "Cuz, ya know...I'm not afraid to break yer knees, Tomo-chan."

Probably the most terrifying thing was that she finished this sentence with a cheerful giggle.

The sound of the bell rang out, somehow reaching Mars just in time for the girls to return to class. Yet, throughout these proceedings another watched from afar, using their vision-enhancing devices to take in the sight of the talking girls. They caught bits and pieces of the conversation. Enough to form a very solid idea of the topic in question. As the bell rang, they turned and made their way back to their seat.

Osaka had a spring in her step as she entered the classroom, followed by a not-so-enthusiastic Tomo. In fact, Tomo looked like as blank as if she had just shot up half a kilo of heroin.

A slightly dismal glance was shot between Yomi and herself moments before Yukari returned in a cloud of flame and awesome.

--

It was actually rather alarming how quickly time passed. Maybe the gods were fooling with the Cosmic Clock, because it seemed like only moments before the time came for Tomo to go to the park to meet Osaka.

Tomo trotted along the path towards their predetermined meeting place, thoughts on the matter swirling through her head; the majority of which were absolutely the most bleak conclusions ever come to by said girl.

_'Ugh...I hope it's not about Satan...I get enough of that from Kagura...I also hope she doesn't want to play hockey...I totally forgot my gear...Darn, I REALLY hope she doesn't want to open my head with a hacksaw, I don't have insurance to cover that...'_

She trotted along the uber-green spring grass, heading directly for where she knew Osaka to be waiting. Indeed, as per her spectacular deductive skills, there was the spacey girl sitting placidly on a spread blanked beneath the odd tree that always reminded Tomo of the flab under the arm of an old lady. A very identifiable landmark.

Soon, Osaka spotted the loitering girl and beckoned her forward with momentary insistant hand gestures, pelvic thrusts, and those orange glowsticks they use to direct airplanes.

"Yer late...", Osaka intoned darkly as Tomo reached her position.

Tomo let out a horrified squeal and covered her kneecaps, begging for mercy.

"PLEASE DON'T BREAK MY KNEECAPS!! I NEED THOSE!!"

"It's ok, Tomo-chan...yer forgiven.", Osaka giggled.

That always terrified Tomo. To her, it was like one of those seemingly-demonically-possessed china dolls that just stared all glassy-eyed and you pull the string on the back and they giggle...It always gave Tomo that certain cold feeling...

Oh gods, this is even scaring me...is it scaring you? Ugh...

"Uhh...anyhow...why did you need me?", Tomo asked, breaking the hellish silence.

Osaka leaned towards her with half-hooded eyes and spoke in a low, almost lusty, voice.

"Tomo-chan...we've been friends for some time now. I...I think it's about time we took it one step further."

Tomo instantly recoiled. Was this some sort of confession from the odd girl?

"W-what!? The hell are you saying?"

"I need you, Tomo-chan...", Osaka responded, her voice seductive and breathy.

Tomo's breath was now coming in short gasps. She had to lick her lips to moisten the parched surface. She had no idea what to sy or even what to do. She sat, shivering like a lost puppy. D'awwww!

"Tomo-chan...I need yer help to defeat tha aliens.", Osaka said in a frighteningly serious tone.

Tomo's eyes nearly screwed out of her head. All sexual anticipation that had built up within her immediately dropped into the pits of Hades. Reality hit her in the face like a two ton block of cheese.

"What!?", Tomo exclaimed.

"Tha aliens, Tomo-chan.", Osaka said whilst shaking her by the shoulders. "Tha aliens!"

"The aliens!?", Tomo spoke angrily as she backed away. "Why the heck do you need me?"

"Tomo-chan.", Osaka spoke as if she was talking to an overgrown child. "I need ya to take yer clothes off."

"WHAT!?", Tomo screamed. "For what!?"

"Ya see...we gotta perform the Ritual of the Tree Elephants."  
"Can't we just do that with my clothes on?"  
"Nuh-uh.", Osaka shook her head vehemently. "Don'cha be embarassed. I'ma have to be naked too."

Tomo sat in silence, contemplating whether to run and hide or talk the girl out of this bizarre task. If Osaka was trying to seduce her; the Ritual of the Tree Elephants was certainly not turning her on.

"What the heck do we have to do for this ritual thing?"

"Well, ya see. These aliens hate nakedness, it burns their eyes. So, if we get naked and dance then when the aliens spy on us they'll shrivel up and die!"

Gods damn. The scary part was that, to Osaka, this all made perfect sense. Tomo just looked at her with a sidelong glance.

"Well...", she contemplated. "Why the heck not!"

"That's the spirit!", Osaka cheered.

With that announcement they sat back on the blanket and, without any sort of warning whatsoever, Osaka reached over and began to tug on Tomo's top.

"What the heck!?", Tomo screamed as she struggled with the crazed girl.  
"The longer we wait the closer they get!", Osaka rubutted.

Tomo huffed noisily.

"Your idea of a surprise really is strange...", Tomo said as she wiggled out of her shirt. Osaka did the same and that is when she got a ravenous look in her eyes.

"This is where it begins!", Osaka announced and immediately stood and planted her right foot directly in Tomo's Zyphoid Process in one smooth, effortles motion not commonly seen in such a graceless girl. Tomo's breath was expelled in one giant outflow as she fell flat on her back with Osaka standing triumphantly above her, foot planted squarely on her nearly naked chest. Tomo gasped for air as Osaka spread her arms in a strange and bizarre effort to call out to ancient gods unheard of.

"...May we dance with the pachyderms of the forest...forever!", Osaka cried to the sky.No matter how Tomo struggled, Osaka's foot was much too powerful. She was indeed a woman possessed.

Then a voice rang over Osaka's cries of bizarre ritual.

"What the heck are you guys doing?"

Osaka paused in her recitation and stood silently for but half a second before turning to this newcomer.

"Yomi-chan!?", she called out in surprise.

Tomo's eyes flew wide open and, as if a spirit had descended, garnered the strength to push Osaka off of her so that she could stand.

"Yomi! Save me!", she cried and ran over to stand beside said girl.

Yomi just gave both of them a terribly disapproving look; the sort of look one gives if they walk in upon an awkward situation and if this wasn't one of those I don't quite know what is.

"Seriously, what ARE you doing? And why are you half-naked?", she asked.

"Yoooomi-chaaaan...you RUINED it!", Osaka wailed, tossing her arms up in defeat.

"Ruined...what?", Yomi asked.

"The Ritual of the Tree Elephants, Yomi!", Osaka explained. "It shrivels up the aliens!"

"Riiiight...", Yomi droned.

"You were going to crush my chest!", Tomo accosted.

"Really, though...you shouldn't be standing around half-naked in chilly weather like this.", Yomi then began a lengthy lecture about all of the horrible diseases one can catch walking around in damp spring weather. Everything from infectious parasites to flesh-eating Ebola.

Tomo was livid and Osaka was on the verge of a gods' honest nervous breakdown.

"OH, HAVE MERCY MY LORD!", Osaka weeped as she prostrated herself before Yomi.

"Osaka...Osaka...you can get up you know. I didn't mean to freak you that much. I was just curious why you were nearly naked is all.", Yomi explained.

Osaka got up then and let her shifty gaze wander in her strange manner before walking to the blanket, putting her shirt back on, tossing Tomo her own shirt, folding up said blanket and walking off with a friendly wave.

The two remaining girls returned the wave half-heartedly.

"Tomo.", Yomi said.

"Hmm?", Tomo grunted through the shirt she was fitting over her head.

"Want to come back to my place for a bit? You look a bit...distraught."

Tomo's eyes shined as if she had just offered her one trillion yen worth of the purest sugar.

"Boy, do I!? Let's go!"

--

An hour later, at the Mizuhara household there was a murder!! Hahah! Just kidding! Did I get ya? No? Oh well...Anyhow, there was no murder, but instead there was some rather scandalous activity taking place. Nah, I'm just kidding about that too! ...Or am I?

Yomi's room was the only one with lights ablaze, and whitin sat the two girls on Yomi's bed; exhausted and damp, but content. In fact, Tomo was still panting heavily and Yomi was giggling like a fool.

"Yomi...", Tomo spoke. "That's the LAST time I play 'Go Fish' by your rules!"

"Oh, c'mon. You know you enjoyed it!", Yomi giggled again, eyeing the leather straps and accountrements scattered about the room as well as the abject nakedness of both Tomo and herself.

With a long sigh, Tomo fell back on the bed. "Since when have you been so good at cards?"

"I watch the 'World Series of Go Fish' quite often.", Yomi answered.

"...That exists?"

Both girl nearly jumped out of their skin when the phone rang. Now wouldn't that be a sight to see when Yomi's mother came home? Two skinless, naked bodies on her daughter's bed. Try explaining THAT to the cops.

Anyhow, Yomi leaned over and pressed the answer button and set it to 'speaker'.

"Hello, Mizuhara residence. Home of the Mizuhara Burger. Can I take your order?"

"Oh, Koyomi you're home!", came the voice of her mother.

"Yeah, not too much to do after foiling an international terrorist plot, you know?", Yomi answered. "Oh, and Tomo's staying the night, ok?"

"Oh, I know.", Mrs. Mizuhara answered. "Don't forget to clean the stains off the ceiling!"

With that she hung up, leaving Tomo flabbergasted and Yomi wishing for death once again.

**And because I must cite my references... That song Yomi breaks into is the chorus of 'Time Stand Still' by Rush.**

* * *


	11. Unzipped Trousers

**Ah! A new one! Enjoy, enjoy!**

* * *

Yomi awoke that morning feeling rather burnt-out. It seemed like a heroin hangover; minus the self-loathing and loss of bowel control. She wondered why everything seemed blurry. That's because she forgot to put on her glasses; silly girl! As she reached to put them on, she realized just how bone-numbing cold it was. It was 'glass-cutter' cold!

And wet…

And…

"OH MY GOD! I'M NAKED AND COVERED IN MOTOR OIL!"

A groan was heard and she turned to see Tomo, asleep on her bed and covered head-to-toe in motor oil. She looked to Yomi like a disgusting example of why one should always be aware of their surroundings; lest a shock like this occur. The bed was even devoid of sheets; seeing that they were scattered about and stained with substances she dare not imagine.

As quietly as she could muster, Yomi slunk from the bed like a boneless flatfish and over to her drawer. From there she ascertained her school uniform; but only after wiping her hands clean of all oil.

She crawled, hands and knees, to the shower to go about washing the terrible slimy liquid off her body. The falling water felt good…almost _too_ good.

It brought back memories of the previous night at a terribly inopportune time.

The bumping….

The grinding….

The resultant delicious fruit puree….

A shiver passed through her body despite the warmth of the water. Damn that Tomo and her….sex.

Without getting into the grisly details, let us simply be content with knowing that there was more than just motor oil on Yomi's sheets.

Some of it was castor oil!

Yomi exited the shower and dried herself thoroughly. She even made sure to comb her hair properly and make herself generally look presentable to her mother. In other words, make herself look as if she had not just experienced a wild night.

Slowly, she made her way to the kitchen where her mother was burning some toast. She never was very good with that machine…

"Good morning, Koyomi!", her mother greeted her.

Mrs. Mizuhara sure was a looker! I mean, for her age that is. She had her own set of soft brunette hair that ended before it graced her shoulders. She seemed to always wear a smile, regardless of the dire need of the situation for otherwise. These features gave her slightly wrinkled face a new glow.

Oh, and her boobs didn't sag either. That's always a bonus!

Yomi simply stared at her mother, eyes shining with a pseudo-malice that Mao Tse-Tung would have killed for.

"Mother….how did you know Tomo and I were playing Go Fish and making puree?"

"Go Fish? Puree?", Mrs. Mizuhara tilted her head slightly. "Honey, you two were going at it like rabbits."

Yomi's jaw dropped immediately and her body fell to pieces on the floor. In a metaphoric sense, of course. Cuz, betch…you can't actually fall to pieces! The hell sort of world do _you_ live in…

"Mother! Why the hell did you watch!?"

"Koyomi…please sit.", Mrs. Mizuhara nodded towards the table and put out a plate of practically carbonized toast and pulpy orange juice.

Yomi took her seat and reluctantly bit into a piece of said toast; it instantly turning to charcoal in her mouth.

"Koyomi….I'll tell you how I found out….", she nodded, taking the seat across from her daughter. "You see, it all began on a rather slow day at the Hall of Justice…"

"Oh, god mother….Don't bring your work into this! I've told you a thousand times not to use your powers in public!", Yomi bemoaned.

"Honey, I HAD to! Just listening to you and Tomo talk brought me back to my own high school days…", Mrs. Mizuhara's eyes became hooded and she let out a soft sigh as she returned to the days where her superpowers were considered 'sexy'.

"Mother! Why don't you talk with people your own age!? I hear Batman is looking for a partner after beating up his mom…"

"One day I heard you two talking about the subject of love…", Mrs. Mizuhara swooned once more. "So, don't fret Koyomi! I know exactly what it's like to be screwing your best friend!"

Yomi immediately burst into flame and was quickly put out by Tomo barging into the room carrying a fire extinguisher.

"Whoooo!! Good thing I was around to put Yomi out!", Tomo giggled.

Yomi seemed a bit charred, but generally in good shape. She adjusted her glasses and noted that Tomo was dressed in HER clothing.

"Tomo…might you be so kind as to dress in your OWN clothes?", Yomi suggested.

"And ruin this moment?", she grinned, shocking the world by sensually licking Yomi's face before scampering out the door; giggling like a well-known mythical creature.

"Awww..isn't that just the cutest thing ever!", Mrs. Mizuhara noted.

"No, mother. It isn't.", Yomi groaned.

"Well, Koyomi…it's all well and good that you two can screw around like hungry antelopes but remember that one day I'd like some grandkids…..", Mrs. Mizuhara sighed. Her eyes opened wide a moment later and she grabbed Yomi by the collar of her uniform. "GET SOME ALIENS TO SPLICE THE GENES OF YOU AND TOMO!! BEAR ME A GRANDCHILD FROM YOUR LOINS!!"

"MOTHER!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?", Yomi cried out in horror, pulling out of her super-grasp.

Mrs. Mizuhara gazed at where Yomi had been a moment before a giggled slightly.

"Oh..I'm sorry. I got a little ahead of myself!"

"Uhh..okay…I'm uhh…going to school now…Bye, mother.", Yomi said with a hint of desperation as she grabbed her bag and walked out the door.

"DON'T FORGET THE ALIEN!!", Mrs. Mizuhara cried out; shutting the door a moment later with her mind.

--

Tomo was one of the first at school today and certainly the first to enter the shoe locker area.

"Oh shit!", grumbled Sasquatch as he grabbed The Jersey Devil and Manuel Noriega and carried them behind some stray boxes as a form of cover. They had not expected anyone so early!

Tomo went to grab her shoes, but instead managed to interrupt the Shoe Fairies in their daily pixie dust sprinkling. Thusly, she grimaced boldly and decided to make her case known to the only other person who would be at school at such an inhuman hour.

And said person could be found right out the back door upon the Plains of Dust.

Tomo stomped through the sandy expanse until she saw the black clouds forming on the horizon. She was close.

Moving along, she soon spotted the person in question wearing a dark cloak and donning a pointed wizard hat; hands aloft as arcane powers swirled.

"KAAAGUUUURRRAAAA!", Tomo called out.

The girl whipped around; frowning intensely as the clouds dissipated and the archaic runes disappeared.

"What do you want!? I've told you before not to interrupt my communion with the Master!", Kagura growled.

"Uhh…sorry?", Tomo inclined her head slightly.

"Bah! What do you need?", Kagura responded, taking up stride beside Tomo as they trekked back towards the schoolhouse.

"Kagura…uhh..", Tomo stumbled on her words a moment. Possibly because of the distraction caused by the line of slaves being driven along by their Draconian masters. "Do you happen to know what it's like getting' down-and-dirty with your best friend?"

Kagura's eyes grew wider by the moment. Some say they inflated like a balloon.

"Don't tell me you….wait…of course you did.", she sighed. "I knew that."

"Indeed!", Tomo confirmed. "And I think her mother knows about it now."

"Oh? And what does she think?"

"She thinks it's all cutesy and shit. She's weird like that.", Tomo nodded, opening the door and letting Satanists go first.

"Right…", Kagura noted. "So..what about your folks?"

"Nah, they know nothing about it. Hell, they barely know I hit puberty!", Tomo laughed at her parent's inanity.

"Right..uhh..but shouldn't you tell them?", Kagura asked, removing her hat and cape; those poofing into oblivion.

"Tell them!? I can't tell them! My Dad was a former professional wrestler, you know!!", Tomo panicked.

"So? You know how to take a hit.", Kagura grinned.

Tomo stood dumbfounded for a moment before responding.

"Kagura! Come with me when I tell my parents! PLEEEAASSEE!?"

"Eh!?", Kagura took a step back. "I'm not your fall-girl, you opportunistic bitch!!"

"I'm not asking you to take the fall for me! I just want moral support!", Tomo rebutted.

Kagura relented with a sigh.

"Fine….under one condition!"

"Whatcha need? I mean, Yomi did say I'm really good with my hands!", Tomo bounced happily on the balls of her feet.

Kagura lifted one eyebrow in an almost Arthurian expression.

"On second thought, I'll do it for free."

"WHOOPEE!", Tomo cheered.

By then, many others had filtered through the door of the school and mulled about in the minutes before the class bell rung. Kagura sat quietly in her seat waiting for Yukari to storm in, usually two minutes twelve seconds after the bell rang, and noticed that Tomo and Yomi had not spoken to one another at all that morning.

'_Oh well. It must be awkward talking to a person you just discussed Uganda with the night before.'_

A whispering wind passed through the area. Tomo and Yomi did not speak the entire day. It was like a bad episode of '7th Heaven'.

Regardless, let us move on and not dwell on that doody!

The following day, Tomo called Kagura and asked her to prepare for their encounter with her parents. It didn't take long for them to assemble that afternoon with the necessary accoutrements.

"Everything in proper order, Left-tenant Kagura!?", Tomo asked with a gruff tone.

"Yes, Ma'am!", Kagura saluted.

"Excellent! You know the call word.", Tomo nodded, sauntering to the door.

"I do. Good luck!"

With a final nod, Tomo opened the door and entered; removing her shoes in the foyer and closing the door soon afterwards.

"I'm home!", she called out.

Immediately the house was filled with the sounds of heavy clomping. She braced herself as her father rushed up and captured her in a tight bear hug.

"Hey there, kiddo!!", he cackled.

"Hi there, Dad….", Tomo managed to gasp out.

He released her and placed his hands on his hips with a great grin splattered on his weathered face.

"So, what's up?"

"In fact, I actually have something to announce to you and mother.", Tomo said with a nod.

Tomo's father gasped.

"W-what!? _YOU_ have something to _announce_!? Are you married!? Pregnant!? Under investigation for an assault on Prime Minister Mori!?"

"Uhh..no…Can you go get mother?", Tomo asked, bamboozled.

Tomo's father sighed openly and moved over to retrieve a small, lightly decorated wooden box from the mantle. He opened the latch as a tiny bit of blue smoke wafted out.

"ARISE!!", he cried out.

From the box swirled out a translucent blue form that took the shape of the torso, arms and head of a woman clad in battle armour from seemingly ancient times.

"I ARISE!!", the form warbled.

"Mother!!", Tomo smiled broadly.

"Oh, welcome home Tomo! How was your day?", the ghostly form asked politely with a smile.

"Actually, mother….I have something to tell you guys.", Tomo said.

"Oh?", her mother questioned.

"Yeah….", Tomo took a deep breath. "Uhh….me and Yomi are-"

At this moment her father coughed loudly, sending her already tense nerves into HYPER OVERDRIVE!

"GYAHHH!! SHREDDED WHEAT!!", she screamed in horror.

In an instant, the three windows in the den shattered and men donning black body armour and carrying automatic weapons burst in led by Kagura herself. They were silent as they fired only three rounds into Tomo's father's head; killing him instantly. Two others moved to the box that Tomo's mother originated from and smashed it to bits with their large boots.

"GO BACK TO HELL!", one yelled.

Tomo's mother puttered out of existence and soon the room was a total mess; yet silent.

"Did we do good?", Kagura asked.

"Oh shit….", Tomo noted. "I fucked up."

At this point an ethereal voice entered the situation; booming throughout the room.

"Dost thou wish to take the Holy Mulligan?", it asked, soft yet commanding.

"Yes, Great God Jay! I, Tomo Takino, wish to take my one Holy Cosmic Mulligan!"

There was a pause before the voice responded.

"So be it!"

And thusly time was rewound and Tomo got a 'do-over'. The continuum mutated to the point just before Tomo screamed recklessly.

"Mother….Father….me and Yomi totally fucked last night."

The eyes of both of her parents went wide. It was always strange to see her mother's do so, for one could see right through them and view the wall behind. It was a rather nice wall; after all.

"Oh…that's cool.", they both said nearly simultaneously.

Tomo tilted her head, viewed it through binoculars and even inverted the room. Yet she did not understand how they could be so calm!

"Uhh….don't you care?", she asked.

"Well…speaking off intercourse with your best friend…", Tomo father gazed at his wife momentarily before turning back. "You know Takeshi, right?"

Tomo shuddered instantaneously.

"OH GOD, DAD!!", she gagged on vomit and raced upstairs to relieve the tormenting images.

Her father looked after her; rather confounded.

"What was that all about?", he asked his wife.

"I don't know.", she responded. "I guess she doesn't want to hear about Takeshi's current wife being his best friend in college…"

--

The following day, Tomo and Yomi were spending time in Yomi's room….scissoring. No, no, no! I simply jest! In reality Tomo was musing over a magazine article about baked aubergines while Yomi was masticating.

It had been a fine few days for them and they were exhausted. When Tomo called Yomi the previous day all excited, informing her that her mother and father approved of what they were doing; Yomi followed up with her own confirmation of approval from her own mother. This was followed by much party and sippin' Bacardi.

Silence reigned but, like King Arthur, was overcome by a treacherous friend and mortally wounded; being brought to Avalon soon after.

"Hey, Tomo…", Yomi spoke, shattering all sense of propriety the world had ever known. "If we could have a kid…what do you think she'd be like?"

Tomo, slightly peeved from her need to take her attention from those lovely baked aubergines, gave Yomi a condescending look.

"Yomi, are you taking Valium again?"

"No, no! I'm serious!", she rebutted.

"Well then….she's inherit your bat wings and my gun arms….and maybe she could even get some invisibility power from your mother's side of the family!", Tomo expounded.

"Ok…only thing is….I DON'T HAVE WINGS AND YOU DON"T HAVE GUN ARMS!!"

"Damn, that's an ugly child…", came a mutter.

Both girls turned their attention towards Yomi's closet, from where the sound seemed to have originated.

Slowly, Yomi crept over and yanked the door open.

"Mother!?", she cried.

Indeed, her mother was standing flabbergasted in her closet; attempting to hide herself amongst the clothing.

Mrs. Mizuhara glanced one way and then the other before bolting from the room.

"I'm invisible! WHOOOOSH!!"

Both girls blinked in confusion for a moment before regaining their bearings.

"Uhh….how about we just use your time machine to go to the future and see our kid there!?", Tomo suggested.

"If you're willing to try it again…", Yomi said, taking her time machine out of her bureau drawer and plugging it into a wall socket.

"Woohoo!!", Tomo grabbed it and positioned herself accordingly.

"Don't forget the power crystals!", Yomi admonished, putting them in the top of the small machine.

They each grabbed one of the handles and in a shower of one yen coins…they were gone.

--

"Oh, Tomo…I love it when you touch me there."

Tomo purred in response and moved further down her lover's body…

ZZZAP!

They two looked up; Tomo's ears falling back against her head.

Standing beside them were..themselves? They seemed rather distraught at the sight; noting that their jaws nearly graced the ground.

"Oh shi-"

ZZZAP!

And then they were gone.

--

"Oh, Sakaki..I love it when you touch me there!"

Sakaki purred in response and moved further down her lover's body…

ZZZAP!

Both girls turned toward the source of the noise and blushed indecently. Sakaki screamed.

Tomo and Yomi screamed in response. A moment passed before Kagura hurled a pillow at the two standing girls.

ZZZAP!

And they were gone.

--

"Oh, Pan…I love it when you-"

ZZZAP!

OH MY GOD!! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO!?", Tomo screamed.

"Shut up, Tomo! Geez…nice first impression!", Yomi chastised with a swipe to her head.

Two girls, one bearing glasses with long hair and the other, far paler, girl with a red headband simply stared at them.

"Mama? Kaa-san!?", The glasses-wearing girl said incredulously; getting to her feet in an instant.

"NO, NO, NO!!", Tomo cried out, shielding her eyes in horror.

"Mama!?", the girl repeated.

"TAKE US AWAY, YOMI!!"

ZZZAP!

--

They had returned to their own time period, gasping and panting heavily.

"Yomi….seeing your own child having sex is the scariest thing ever!", Tomo huffed.

"Tomo….they were doing homework.", Yomi explained impatiently.

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!"

Yomi simply sighed. Sometimes, despite all logic, Tomo found a way to bed and break all rules required.

* * *


	12. Benetweeyond

**Enjoy in celebration of 'Flutter Week'!!**

* * *

Summer study session, my left arse! This 'studying' consisted mostly of head-scratching, pencil tossing and Tomo asking if they could learn about baby-making instead. At this point, everyone was passed out on the floor; exhaused by the sheer weight of KNOWLEDGE. Each had their own small space, yet Nyamo, who had been righteously PWNED by Yukari in the English speaking department, was curled up in an atom-ball within her own little world of self-loathing.

Amongst those lying about, one fluttered open her eyes upon sensing the missing presence of her compadre with her Tomo-Sense. Tomo stood, inverted, disconnected and transposed herself across half-dimensions looking for Yomi; all to no avail.

Finally, Tomo decided that Yomi would most likely be outside and not amongst the myriad verses that compose reality itself.

"Yo! Yomi! What up, ho!?", she called out, her voice echoing across the moors of England.

Yomi turned at the call and chuckled cruelly.

"BWahahhah!! Come!! Join me in death!!"

Tomo looked on as lighting struck the nearby beach and the dead around the world crawled from their graves.

"Eh?", she tilted her head in confusion.

Yomi let out a drawn sigh. "Just get over here and sit."

"The hell are you doing out here anyhow?", Tomo asked.

"Oh, just sitting and gazing out across the Plains of Dispair.", Yomi commented, flicking a rock down into the gaping abyss below.

"Cool. I was looking for you. I need your warmth to live!", Tomo squealed, grasping Yomi's shoulders roughly and drooling.

"Uhh...sure ya do.", Yomi spoke with a hint of fear. Last time Tomo drooled like that, a copious love-making session followed. From that day forward Yomi could not stand the sight of a live chicken.

"Besides, when people sit alone during the night it means they're thinking insighful thoughts! I can't let YOU have any of that!", Tomo protested, poking at Yomi sharply.

"hey! I was thinking of...uhh..umm..", Yomi stood and drew a long bastard sword instead of answering. "I was contemplating methods of Chaos!"

"Ah! I spy thy efforts!", Tomo expounded, drawing Hrunting, the sword of Unferth, and 'having at thee'.

The blades clashed in a rain of lightning and molten metal. The gods peered down from their perch in the heavens above to watch the combat earnestly.

"Tomo...why do you still carry that?", Yomi nodded towards Hrunting.

Tomo shrugged. "It's cool?"

"Right...", Yomi said, backing away from the stalemate and casting her blade to the ground. "I relinquish my power."

"Nary there be!", Tomo gasped, shivering profusely.

"Quite...", Yomi stared icily at Tomo, her glasses glinting in the eerie light of the molten lava spewing from Mount Doom.

She fell to her knees, her neck exposed like a pale wish.

"N-no...", Tomo shudderd at the thought. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

She screamed so loudly it echoed throughout the lands. Darth Vader would be pleased.

"You...you're not going through with it?", Yomi mumbled in awe.

"No, I cannot...", Tomo fell to her knees and took Yomi's hands in her own.

"Tomo...", Yomi gazed into her eyes, nay, her soul!

"Yomi, I cannot take the task.", she explained.

Yomi let out a small sigh and leaned towards Tomo. "Kiss me, you fiend. It is destiny."

Thusly, they kissed with plenty of sticky saliva and the swapping of the various amoeba that live within their mouths before separating.

"It is destiny that we stay together. Even if it means planning ahead!", Tomo spoke, shocking Yomi at just how mature she sounded.

"D-dare you be a mind-reader?", Yomi stuttered.

"Nay.", Tomo replied. "Logic is my tool! How else do you explain being together in school for twelve years?"

Yomi mulled over this fact; it was indeed true. Alas, it was the required schooling that they stayed together for. College was a different matter; they could end up on separate ends of the Earth! Curse the advent of affordable transportation!

They sat silently for a while longer, feeling the ultraviolet light tickle their skin. The moment was generally calm, yet with a hint of dispair flickering about like an epileptic butterfly.

"Ok, peace bitch!", Tomo said, standing and wandering back into Chiyo's summer home, whistling 'Dixie'.

Yomi watched Tomo leave, nearly tripping over a downed Jedi spacecraft along the way. It pained her deeply to keep her thoughts from Tomo. It burned her inside like syphillis. She knew Tomo could feel her despiration and that made her worry even more. Good gods, how she feared a future without Tomo.

Some say the separation of the two would destroy the Universe; so says Nostradumbass,brother of the famous prophet.

Yomi could not sit out there any longer, lest her mind gnaw away at itself and the brain matter drip from her ears. Instead she floated her way up to the roof of the house, using her shovel-head to dig a hole into Tomo's room. She dropped in and stood staring at the girl who was stuffing her face with the bloody remains of a raw badger.

Tomo still had her mouth full as she stared at Yomi, who in turn was covered with insulation and roofing materials. Blood dripped from the corner of Tomo's lips as she swallowed.

The tension increased to a suffocating level and the fabric of the Universe snapped for but a moment. The room inverted, decayed and turned inside-out, spraying matter amongst the furthest of stars before returning to normal.

"So whatcha' want?", Tomo asked finally.

Yomi took a deep inhalation of the ancient air and shivered. Taking a knee, she flipped her shirt over her head, standing topless in the crack of moonlight that filtered through the window.

"Make love to me!"

Silence reigned once more before abdicating the throne to the far more capable 'Noise'.

"...Wut?", Tomo asked. "Just outside you were thinking about how much you hated our last session!"

Yomi gasped and stood, pointing at Tomo with a shivering finger and a cold gaze.

"I KNEW YOU COULD READ MINDS, YOU BLASPHEMOUS SORCERESS!"

"Huh!?", Tomo cried, taking a defencive stance.

"You must be punished by the Hand of God!!", Yomi wailed as two robed men emerged from the shadows to grab Tomo in strong arms.

Tomo, being who she is, grinned broadly.

"You're a kinky one, aren't you?"

This attitude changed immediately when the men bound her to a wooden pole and started piling wood around her feet.

"Thou must be burned for thy witchcraft!", Yomi pronounced.

"Whaaa!? I can't control my mind!!", Tomo wailed, straining against the ropes.

"Tomo Takino, have you signed Satan's book with blood?", Yomi spoke in a firm tone, her eyes fixed to Tomo's.

"No! What the hell are you talking about!?", Tomo screamed.

"Nobody can hear your lies!", Yomi struck Tomo with the back of her fist, the impact spraying blood across the nearby oak wall.

Tomo panted heavily, sweating in fear at the audacious change in her best friend.

"Tomo Takino, have you given your virginity to the Devil, thus becoming his servant?", asked Yomi, her fist ready for another strike.

"I gave it to you, you moron!", Tomo cried, bloody spittle spattering Yomi's bare chest.

"Gracious gods!", Yomi squealed in anger, clasping her fingers around Tomo's throat. "I shall expoud something to you."

Tomo could only grunt as she was assaulted.

"Since the beginning of time, you and I have been soul-mates.", Yomi explained, wasting no words. "No matter our reincarnation, we have been together. Yet...this day I shall take that soul for my own and we will truly be one...Romantic, ne?"

A dastardly grin twisted Yomi's face as her lips touched Tomo's. In that moment, their minds were shared with the other.

Yomi's was filled with fear, Tomo saw this in those moments. From within, the girl was being torn apart as if by the claws of the Hyper Moose.

Tomo whimpered as her soul left her body. Alas, her fears were dispelled as she realized her new habitation in Yomi's mind included a pool and billiard table!!

"Fuckin' sweet!", Tomo squealed.

WHAM!!

Tomo knocked her head on the wooden table as she sat up in the darkness of the eclipsed pseudo-night. Around her lay the other girls, Yomi included, resting her head on Tomo's lap.

"Whoa...that was messed up.", Tomo whispered, idly prodding Yomi's head to make sure it had not detached.

"Of course it was odd, Tomo-chan.", said a mysterious voice that seemed to flow into her ears.

"Eh!?", Tomo squeaked, shifting her gaze about. She dare not stand up, lest she awaken Yomi and the others.

"Geez, Tomo...dare you be that ignorant?", said the voice as Tomo felt a hand rest on her shoulder.

"EEEK!", she squealed, jumping literally through the roof and plopping down on the beach not far from the house.

"No need to be so spastic.", the voice spoke again. "What your mind was telling you was the truth! You two are indeed soul-mates!"

"Cut the crap!", Tomo screamed to the sky. "Who do you think you are!?"

"...God.", said the voice as the sand nearby swirled ominously before a blonde-haired man with abnormaly large teeth popped out.

"NOOOO!! GET AWAY FROM ME GARY BUSEY!!", Tomo screamed. There was no end to her torment.

"Woah! Calm down there!", he said. "I only wanted to know if you wanted some Peeps.", he held out his hand in which were the lovely marshmallow sweets.

"Oh...cool. Thanks!", Tomo took one and chewed it liberally. "Why were ya talking all wierd before?"

Gary Busey shrugged and popped one into his mouth as well.

"I do that kind of shit to confuse people.", he said. "Peace!"

Thusly, he disappeared, leaving Tomo to wander back to the house on her own. All she knew was that Yomi direly needed her at this moment for moral support...or something like that.

Failure was NOT an option! It was a possibility, but not an option!

--

Beyond the bounds of reality, a god sat in deep contemplation.

"Ah, it certainly has been quite some time since this story graciously enlightened our minds!", he egressed. "It certainly deserved this record."

His hand fluttered as the ink upon his quill recorded the events on Earth below in the mystic pages of the Cosmic Codex.

"It is a wonder something so simple would lead to a growing community of like-minded individuals, each with their own talents."

He was content with the results. The success was the greatest gift he could ask for in said situation, even if it seemed to develop of its own.

_As if from a seed, it blooms._


End file.
